50 Shades of Grey - Busting Through B&W Thinking to Thriving

The world is full of possibilities; or at least I believe that it is. Up until my mid-twenties, I was a pretty black and white thinker. Over the past decade, I've grown grey (in my thinking, not my hair, save for my one wisdom hair, which is platinum).

Up until my mid twenties, I wore myself out setting up so many rules for myself, that I just let it go. It didn't happen overnight. In fact, it was more like six years in the creating of it, perhaps, even my whole life. But, suffice it to say, I reached a point to where, I couldn't help but open my mind up to more possibilities. Like, to be truly open to and believe in them. To try and see things not just from my perspective; but from other people's perspectives, to lighten up. To free up my mind to enjoy life. To literally savor it.

Up until that point of my life, I'd spent six years, from the senior year of high school, to my last year of grad school, worrying about how many calories I was eating and burning; and what I was eating; and how much I was exercising ruled my life in every way possible.

I didn't realize until today, that this week was National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. I can probably count on my hands the number of people who know that I spent my early twenties struggling with bulimia. Today, one of my role models, a former fitness competitor opened up again about her own struggle with it. And, her story is one of bravery and courageousness. For so long, I felt ashamed of myself. It's an awful experience to go through. I spent each day swearing that it would be my last to binge/purge. And, that was never the case. I had amazing friends, I was successful in school. Yet, I felt like I wasn't good enough. That I wasn't thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough. And, I felt that the only thing that I could control was what I ate, and how much I worked out; and that if I could get that under control then everything would change. What's ironic about that is that the more control I tried to have over myself, the more out of control the disorder became. It controlled me.

In 2002, I taught body sculpting classes first at a private gym, and then at a Y and at my University. I would wake up, binge, purge, and then go teach class, dehydrated, weak, and feeling like complete shit. I wanted to crawl under the floor anytime any of the class members would come up to me after class and say, "Awesome class! I wish I could be like you!" I would hold back the tears, and think to myself, "If you only knew, 15 minutes before class I had my fingers down my throat and my head in the toilet. You want to be nothing like me."

I tried to quit. Many, many times. In college, I went to counseling, and was part of a support group.  I hated every minute of counseling; and spent each second of the support group wondering why all of these amazing people surrounding me felt trapped. They were beautiful, smart, attractive. I never turned the mirror and asked myself that question though. In grad school, I started a program on my own, a sort of independent study,  using a guidebook and audio recordings. But, as my grad school work got more difficult, and graduation approached. I only got worse. I felt like I had no control of what I'd be doing, where I'd be working. I felt like my life would be completely turned upside down. It was black and white thinking ruled by what I ate, what I burned off, and how much I could binge/purge.  I would go out as long as I felt "control" over what I ate.

Thanksgiving 2003 - At my unhealthiest b/p point
Even though I was eating "healthy" and working out twice a day
b/p ruled my life.

In April 2004, Gary and I started dating. He was someone I instantaneously trusted and wanted to spend time with. As a bulimic  you spend a lot of time not being present. Always thinking about what you're going to eat next. What you can binge on. What you can get rid of and where. You spend a lot of time out of sight. After dating for a few weeks, I knew that I didn't want to be ruining our dates thinking of my next move. I knew I didn't want to hide from him. I didn't want our dates to be constricted by me refusing to go eat at certain places or eat certain foods. Here's another thing about bulimia; you might eat healthfully, and look for healthy choices, and that's what others see you eat....but in your own time (at least in my experience, you binge on your comfort foods - going from salty to sweet and back again. So while my friends saw me eat healthfully, they didn't know the me that ate full boxes of cookies and a gallon of ice cream in one sitting). So, Gary was the first person out of college that I told what I was going through. He didn't run away. He didn't freak out, or become disgusted. He opened his arms and his heart and asked how he could help. I believe we have to be ready to change on a personal level; and at that point in time, I genuinely was. Nobody but me could make the change. But, with his unconditional love and support, I was finally able to kick bulimia cold turkey.

And, when I did, my life opened up on a completely new level. At first, I was terrified to eat foods that I'd previously labeled as "bad." It was entirely uncomfortable to go out to a restaurant and eat "normally." But, as I evolved and was able to let go of having to have that "control," I was able to start experiencing food and life at a whole new level of amazingness! I felt better; had more energy; and was in the best shape I'd ever been in. Plus, I was experiencing food like I'd never experienced it before! Savoring it, and life, in general.

This May will mark 11 years now that I've been eating disorder free. I absolutely love food and have a healthy relationship with it. I truly believe that my change in thinking held the key to the transformation. In no longer viewing my world as being "black or white" as it pertained to calories in/calories out, my chains were broken. And, that kind of freedom tastes absolutely delectable!

I am now comfortable in my skin. And, while there are days that I find myself looking in the mirror and feeling bloated, overall, I am happy with who I've become. I can honestly say that I love me. I appreciate my body for recovering, for bouncing back incredibly after all of the torture I put it through. I appreciate the love and support that I've received and teachers that I've found to help support my evolution. I appreciate that health (mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical) is the foundation of our overall well-being.

That's why I love what I do so much. I have the ability to help people transform their thoughts around their health and their bodies and their relationship to food. I no longer feel like a hypocrite; because I know I'm living my truth. I've come through one of the darkest periods of my life into amazing opportunities to continue to grow and evolve and help others.

I haven't opened up to many people about that struggle in my life because it's part of my past. I rarely mention it to clients, unless I know they are struggling with eating issues. I am no longer defined by it; nor do I want to have it tabbed as a label.  I used to fear that people would judge me, would call me a hypocrite, wouldn't take me seriously; or would question my validity. But, I am no longer that girl. She is part of who I am and I am proud of her, for her courageousness, her strength, and for shattering through the wall dividing black and white, and choosing to live in the vastness and varying degrees of grey. The choices are many, and they're out there to enjoy. Life is meant to be fun, lived, and every second savored. Life isn't meant to be merely survived; rather it is meant to be thrived!

Thriving!

                                       

What's the story Morning Glory?

I just listened to a profound tapping interview featuring Julie Shiffman, an EFT practitioner featured in this year's Annual Tapping Summit.

A few posts back, I wrote that I believe that we are meant to be the creators of our lives, not merely reactors or regurgitators. And, though I hold that belief, sometimes it's challenging in the face of negative emotion, or negative events to think, "Wow! I created that." And, so instead of getting into the creating mode, we get stuck in the reacting mode, replaying events that happened, things that were said, instances that upset us. Those are the memories that get stuck in our mental craws. We have about 70,000 thoughts per day, and 40,000 of those are repetitions from the previous day.

In Julie's interview, she stated something in a way that I hadn't really heard before, and it stuck with me. She said we are the writers of our stories. And, we let other people co-author with us. Be it good or bad, our lives are about co-authoring with others. We let the positive and negative stories that everybody we interact with shape and create our stories. And, that's not a bad thing...it's just life. But, at any moment, we have the power to change our stories.

How she said it, the way in which I was listening, and I guess my renewed interest and practice in writing, for whatever reason, her comments made my brain buzz with excitement. I know this! I deeply believe it! WE each are our lives' own authors! It's like the choose your adventure books, we can choose the people, the scenery, the plot. And, if we don't like it, we can change it! Yet, change is scary. We fear what changing our story will do in terms of affecting other people's stories. We fear the uncertainty of plot twists. We fear whether or not our book will have a happy and satisfying ending. We simultaneously love and fear the immense power of creation!

What story do you tell yourself? If you were to write your life story, what would it be like? And, more importantly, as you start to shift to the creator mode, what story would you like to tell? YOU are the creator of your story - instead of using your mind to replay the old, tap your imagination and create your powerful, exciting, new adventure! It takes practice, I'm certainly not an expert (YET); but that's my goal, is to focus on creating a story that's filled with all of the greatness I can imagine! To not only train my body, but to train my brain to look for and remember, and emphasize the positives and people and things that I appreciate more of the time! To call into my dreams a tasty dose of imagination, to day dream,, and be inspired, and excited about this crazy, wonderful story of my life!

Sacred Pyramid Meditation Experience

Earlier this week, I attended a sacred geometry sound meditation session. It's a mouthful, I know.

Ever since about my eighth grade year of school, I've been interested in alternative thoughts and practices, like Tarot and energy work. My high school boyfriend's mom was a phone psychic. And, though she only did one reading for me, I was infatuated with her spirit animal cards. During my freshman year, I worked for an aesthetician, who very much believed in Shamanism, and had neat cards at the office. Everyday that I worked there, I'd pull one of the angel cards from a conch shell to see what it had in store for me. And, during my senior year of highschool, I bought my own Tarot deck to consult.

Over the past 8 or so years, I've explored and have used more energetic work in every aspect of my life, from taking a Reiki class, going to energy workers, using crystals, going to a Shaman, meditating, and using  EFT for almost everything. I believe that we, and everything around us, is energy. We're all interconnected. I believe in our own innate power to heal ourselves. And, I believe that our minds are our most powerful aspects. Our thoughts create our lives. We are creators of our lives; and not meant to be regurgitators.

So, when I found out about this sacred pyramid sound meditation, I was really curious. From having spent more time in crystal and mineral shops, I've found out that I'm sensitive to crystals and stones. If there are lots of stones, or big crystals, then I start to feel an immediate shift in the energy in and around me. As I walked into the room, there was a giant copper pyramid, with a 4'x4' base, about 4' high. Within the pyramid, there were two large chunks of rose quartz. And, along each of the copper rods making up the pyramid, were pieces of kyanite. I was running a few minutes late, so as I entered the room, I felt agitated and rushed, being annoyed at myself for not timing my drive better. But, within a minute of sitting down in my chair, I felt my mind go completely calm. And, a whirring in my heart, as if it were the inside a Swiss watch.

Our facilitator explained that sacred geometry (like that found in shapes found in nature (bee hives, snowflakes) and those that are built (churches, pyramids, arches) helps facilitate energy flow. And, being that the pyramid was made of copper (a super conductor) that this really ramps up the energy. At each corner and top of the pyramid, were other copper adornings with neat geometrical patterns.

Pyramid like the one I sat under

A woman who played the Tibetan singing bowls, a native flute, rattles, and had the most angelic voice I've ever heard, played and sang throughout the two hour session. This month's meditation focus was unconditional love. Each of us got a turn to sit in the pyramid, on a bench for about 8 minutes, before rotating throughout the room to sit and meditate in other spots. For two turns, we got to sit on pillows placed on top of crystals and hold rattle like shaped copper wands with clear quartz handles (which I've now found out are called vajras, and are supposed to help with your energy flow through your chakras and out through your hands).

Vajras

I volunteered to be the first to sit in the pyramid. And, I was quickly able to get into a meditative state. I felt my neck want to elongate, my head rolling side to side, stretching out. I definitely felt energy up and around my head, which was inside the top of the pyramid. And, before  I knew it, I heard the signal for me to switch seats. I sat for two turns in the padded seats with the vajras and again, my most distinct feeling was that of my throat and heart chakras opening up. For the 3rd and 4th rounds, I sat on the floor in front of the fireplace. I felt such a sense of peace, calm, and love.
At the end of the session, I stood up, and felt groundedness like I hadn't in a long time. I felt like a frog that has sticky feet, almost suctioned to the floor. I felt myself standing tall and regal. Very confident, and calm within myself. Assured. Beautiful. Strong.

The facilitator, passed by me, and said that she sensed a very strong Egyptian persona from my past lives radiate through me. Which, is interesting, because in energy work that I did over this fall, I distinctly felt Cleopatra-esque....and there's NO way she would've known that.

It was a really cool experience. Very relaxing. I met neat people, learned a lot, and I'll definitely be doing again!

Stoking the Fire

A question that's been frequently rolling through my mind is: What drives you?

What makes you want to hop out of bed each day and OWN the day?! What makes you giddy with anticipation? What sparks your fire and passion? What is it that you can't wait to do?

Granted, not everyday is going to be a 10 on the excitement meter...but what happens when you're stuck primarily in the lower range? 

How do you stoke the fire? 

While I feel that within most days that I have moments that register 7-8-9 on the eagerness scale, I realize that there's SO much room for me to grow. There's plenty of kindling of ambition waiting to be lit to a roaring flame. I have SO much potential just waiting to combust! So, what am I waiting for? 

So, over the course of the last several weeks, I've sat down with my thoughts and listed what makes me feel alive:  

• Moving (whether it's working out, dancing, walking - any activity fires me up)
• Helping others be their best, healthy, fit selves
• Writing 
• Being creative
• Being around animals
• Traveling
• Socializing
• Learning new things

And, I've made more of dedicated effort to be involved in a majority of these things on a daily basis. 

Moving

I see it as an ongoing changing dynamic - my training schedule always changes based upon my clients (working out with them and their goals) and my own personal goals and workout schedule. 

I'm 7 weeks into a 12 week personal fitness challenge and am feeling fitter, stronger, and more agile than I've felt in awhile. 

Helping others be their best, healthy, fit selves

Two weeks ago, I started a new position as a Health Coach Coordinator, which allows me the opportunity to coach more people at one time than I've ever had the opportunity to be in front of before. Last week was my first week of coaching; and it was awesome! It drove home for me that this is what I love to do and am here to do in terms of making a difference in the world. 

Given that I'm now at my desk more than I've been used to in a while, it's important that I move throughout the day (and practice what I preach!) that's become important to me. 

Writing

Having this blog has gotten me to write more than I have in months. And while I feel it's a slow start; things are moving. It's lead me to investigate writing opportunities that I'd put on the backburner. I'm truly excited about learning more and jumping into an exciting new venture! 

Being Creative

For right now, this blog is my creative outlet. Along with some painting. I need and want to start getting back into coloring again. 

Being Around Animals

I've found that I'm more compassionate towards animals than I am people. I've always been a big softy when it comes to any animal. Darn it, I'm the person who cries not only at the Sarah McLaughlin SPCA commercials; but also during videos of animals in their pure, natural living. I can't explain how it touches the depths of my soul. It just moves me profoundly. Three or four years ago, I was horseback riding on a weekly basis and I loved every second of it! However, horses are an expensive habit; and that's not really an option at the moment. So, I need to find another avenue. I would love to volunteer in some capacity with animals. And, I will be adding that to my list. In the meantime, I'm going to be loving on my two fur babies. 

Traveling

Ahhhhh, this is what I am currently missing in my life the most. I have a draft of a post that hits on this that I'll be posting soon. But, this is an area of my life I really need to spend some time and attention on. And, I'm hopeful that my new venture will allow me to flourish here. 

Socializing

I enjoy talking and being out and about meeting people. That's why it's great that my job revolves around people. I can't wait for it to be warm enough to start tennis up again. In the time being, I would like to reach out more to friends to hang out and do things with. 

Learning New Things

I've focused some of my time lately on learning new things. Or, in the case of Spanish, brushing up on something I at one time knew. I bought a longboard, and when it's warm enough outside and there's not slush or snow, I've been teaching myself how to skateboard. And, I was part of a trial on Spanish learning methods featuring a new way of teaching. So, I really want to dive into that and become fluent in Spanish this year. 

Also, in my new working role, I'll be mentoring other coaches. Which, I'm totally looking forward to because I think there's such an exchange of information back and forth that everybody learns. 

So, that's where I'm currently at. Striving to enjoy the present and eagerly anticipate what's to come each day. Stoking the fire; and so ready for it to burn brightly! 

What Dreams May Come

As I get deeper into my dream exploration (see previous post), I am finding all of these synchronicities...in just coming up with the title of this post, my mind had a fun little dip into musical Tourettes (singing out songs with phrases that match). For example, 'DreamWeaver' and I had a fun little flash of Wayne and Garth drooling over Tia Carrere. Or, Mariah Carey's 'Dream Lover' - come and rescue me"! That's a fun trip back to 5th grade....or, in thinking about what I eventually titled my post, "What Dreams May Come" and being transported to the feelings I got and how moved I was by that Robin Williams' movie. Check it out if you haven't! It's a wonderful representation of how our lives create our reality.

I digress. So, I've been reading "A Field Guide to Lucid Dreaming," And, did you know, that the Iroquois Indians believed that those who couldn't remember their dreams, or those that said they didn't have dreams (here I am nodding my head) - that those people weren't in touch with their spirit. Let me repeat that...people who weren't in touch with their dreams weren't in touch with their spirit. That BLEW me away with a profound recognition (nodding my head even more emphatically!)

You see, I lost a person who is very special to me. I've alluded to the grief process in previous posts (it's hell *understatement of the century). And, in this process, I've recognized that not only did I lose that person; but, I also lost myself along the way.

And, I guess that's kind of the purpose of this blog...to open up and share my journey of being me. My intention is to get my thoughts out of my head and into the  light. And, though I'm sharing surface level, maybe a little deeper than surface level (for the time being, and who knows, maybe always), I realize that while it's not a full on open access directly into my heart and soul, nor all of my thoughts to their depths...that just the process of getting the thoughts and experiences out is an act of openness (at least to some degree or another); and part of the process of me becoming and being my authentic self, more in touch with myself from a holistic perspective, and a better communicator.

Anyway, dreams are an important piece of that journey. The Field Guide also mentioned another native tribe that would have their members share their dreams each morning when they woke up. Isn't that cool/incredibly awesome/frightening?! Rather than share news, or gossip, they got together and shared what they had dreamed the night before.

As I've gone about the business of setting my intention for the last few days to be more aware of my dreams; last night, as I drifted off to sleep, I had a revelation. A hazy, murky, yet some how very clear revelation just pop like magic into my head...details that gave me hope. Of course, my ego started to make me second guess myself....but, rather than get up out of bed to fact check, I just went back to sleep and promised myself I'd look into it this morning. Even though one part of my mind wanted to tell me I was wrong, and suggested I get up and fact check that moment, there was another, steadier part, that told me I was right, and that things would be fine until morning. And, this is where I'm at in my journey of being me....I always have read that our inner voice is the quiet, sure voice. Whereas our egos are the louder voices....but, then I always ask myself "Do I know which is which?" Or, "How can I always know which is which?"  I mean my voice has told me before that things would be OK in the morning, and in at least one instance BAM! Nope, morning not so smooth...I would've been better off to fact check at night. But, last night, a greater sense of peace and comfort backed that up. And, I'm learning to trust that....or, at least be willing to listen.

And, lo and behold! This morning, as I fact checked, it turned out that what I thought when I went to sleep WAS right! I hadn't misread the details at all!

I have been on cloud 9 since then! Why is it that we (I) always want to second guess our(my)selves? How cool is it that my Inner Being speaks to me - the truth - as I'm nodding off to sleep?!?!

I'm going to keep practicing this and tuning into what my thoughts and dreams are telling me. It's exciting to think about this part of myself and how I can become more open to it! What dreams may come? What dreams may come!

Don't Let The Sound of Your Own Wheels Drive You Crazy

Friday night, I bought a book titled, The Untethered Soul. I'd been wandering around Barnes & Noble; and it just popped out to me. I've always been a fan of self-empowerment books that are inspiring (not preachy), that have activities to do (yeah, I was always the kid who bought workbooks for vacations and breaks to keep me occupied); and I'm a fan of books with great pictures. The Untethered Soul called to me not only because it features a horse running along the sands of a beach; but also, because, as I explore more into yoga and meditation, it felt like it would be a perfect complement.

I also bought, A Field Guide to Lucid Dreaming. I'm a person who for the longest time had the response that I don't dream. Or, rarely do. And, I'm learning that that's not true. It's that I don't remember my dreams. Each of us dreams about 2 hours/night. So, in my journey of getting into touch with my Inner Being, I feel that opening up to and setting the intention to be aware of my dreams is important.

In the beginning chapters of The Untethered Soul, one of the exercises asked of you, is to imagine that the voice(s) that you hear inside your head is your roommate. You know, the voice that tells you yes, no, the one that critiques you, that never turns off? Yeah, that one.... Give it a body, like imagine it being in the same room with you for a day. That was interesting. As a coach, I often ask my clients to start to see themselves as their own best friend. E.g., Would you talk your best friend the same way you talk to yourself?

But this experiment takes it to a whole other level! I tried it yesterday, imagining that the voice in my head was my physical roommate. And, holy cow! The girl doesn't shut up! She talks non-stop. Is contrarian, can't make up her mind, is demanding, and seriously constant. It was exhausting! If she were my roommate, there's no way I would be able to put up with her for more than a day. I found her to be the voice of a person that I butt heads with. Someone that I want to constantly argue with; and at the same time, someone I want to share all my hopes and dreams with. Someone that I enjoy having on my team. Because if she believes in me, then what do I have to worry about?!  But, just as soon as she's on my team, then she's worried about something not working out. She's a mix of my mom, my 5 year old self, the girls who bullied me in school, my best friends, my teachers. She's an enigma, a paradox, my frenemy. 

It's funny to say that it was profound, because I've been aware of my self talk. Yet, putting her into a person was absolutely profound. And, I'm sure that as I become more aware of this voice; and ascribe a persona to her, the more I'll be able to quiet the chatter and not be driven by distraction and second guessing myself. I'll own my voice and my power on a whole new level! And, that my friends, excites me! 

And, as a lover of things that come full circle, last night, while watching The History of the Eagles, the documentary of the Eagles band, they of course featured "Take it Easy" and, it seems appropriate to close with this pearl of wisdom:

Take it easy, take it easy. Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy. Lighten up while you still can, Don't even try to understand. Just find a place to make your stand, and take it easy.