Today's the first day in probably two months where I don't feel like I'm running behind, or scrambling to meet deadlines. There's plenty of work to do, I just don't feel the pressure of it. I'm burnt out. I'm grateful for my consulting work, because right now so many entrepreneurs are struggling b/c of COVID. I realize I am lucky; but I know it's OK to feel two things at once. Grateful for the work/income, yet wishing for a break.
We were supposed to be on vacation next week. And, that's OK that it's not happening. But, I was really looking forward to it as being a break from work. A time to turn everything off and proverbial say "toodaloo m'fers"! Yet, mentally, it feels like the finish line has been pushed back to where I can't see it, and yet I know I have to still keep going. Fearing that if I slow down, getting the momentum to start back up again will seem twice as hard.
The last month has felt like a sprint. At first I was glad to not have to travel to a conference in Chicago in March. Who plans a conference in Chicago in March?! Cardiology conferences are always a big push for us....Thurs-Mon travel. Non-stop meetings over the weekend after weeks of prep with sponsors, potential sponsors and aligned organizations. So, I breathed a sigh of relief when we got the cancellation notice...b/c April was going to be another busy month with two back-to-back 2-3 day trips to DC. And, even though that travel didn't happen, it pretty much felt like it did.
I just wrapped a significant meeting that I've been coordinating since January. And, I thought I'd feel a huge sense of relief that it was over. Yet, it feels like it opened the flood gates for more work. Of which I am grateful, but there's a lot of pressure. Pressure to write more proposals, which I detest. Pressure to meet expectations of my boss and our chair. And, my own.
In working with cardiologists, researchers, a CEO of a health plan, I find myself feeling like I always have something to prove. And, even though I've proven myself over and over again, it feels like it's ephemeral. One important lesson I've learned from our chair is that it's OK to not have all the answers and to say so. And, to just be open about what you don't know and to just be you. So, I'm practicing that. It's not that he told me that directly. This is what I've gathered from watching and working with him. And, if he can get to the top like that, then that bodes well for us all, I think.
It's OK to not have the answers. It's OK to check out. And, for today, I'm going to soak that knowing up!
