Fear And Speaking From The Heart

Fear. We've all felt it. Whether it be sheer terror while falling face forward, or being creeped out by a scary movie. Or, what we're probably more familiar with, fear of losing something or someone we love. Fear of messing up or making a mistake. Fear of being rejected. Fear of disappointment. Or, even, fear of succeeding.

I used to have a much higher level of anxiety. Only every once in a while now does it rear it's head. But, when it does, it's ugly. I feel paralyzed, like I want to hide. Fearful that whatever I do next won't be right. I feel it deep in my gut, twisting up into my throat. Shallow breaths accompany the tympani drums in my head, and my body's desire to curl into a ball and hide under the covers.

I've learned a lot of great techniques for dealing with it. Meditation, breath work. I'm certain that my level of physical activity has a lot to do with the reduction in stress/anxiety that I feel as compared to when I was younger. Tapping.

But, a really significant part of what I've learned that's helped me the most is finding out that I'm  not alone. Learning that the repercussions aren't so awful - that the fear I build up is much more awful than the outcomes I dream up. I'm capable. I'm smart. And, whatever bullshit I let get into my brain that hits the panic button is unfounded. No matter what, I'm going to be OK.

This past year, since starting my blog, I've written a lot about my personal growth. Last week, I felt like I really stepped forward and really saw that I have changed in ways that I have been working on.

I had applied for a job position that sounded really cool; but as I had time over vacation to sit and relax (like truly for the first time in my life turn my brain off and completely relax and not have a care in the world), that it wasn't what I wanted, exactly.

It appeals to me. The management is great. The vision of the project is awesome. It's a really cool opportunity. But, I also love the momentum that I've built up this last year with my business. And, I want to keep building that. I recognized, that with every opportunity as a side job that I've taken, even though it's been great financially, it's taken me away from the vision that I had when I started my business. And, after my contract ended with the VA, I dug in and dedicated myself to Patina Esprit (now Jenspiration).

Initially, I feared that turning down the job offer and asking for something different would've  been rejected. That it would ruin my chances of doing presentations for them again, or that it would be awkward in future meeting situations. But, I felt strongly about what I wanted to do, and instead, proposed what I wanted. What felt good to me in terms of scope of work as it relates to hours and expectations allowing me to do all of what I love. And, even though I was afraid to have the negotiating talk, I spoke from my heart, said what I wanted and what I loved and also what excited me about the opportunity at hand. And, you know what? They accepted that! They said yes!

I've stepped out and will continue to speak from my heart and ask for what I want.

Ear Worms

To be honest, I've not made a music playlist in over a year. It's something that I used to love to do; and kind of like reading, I tucked it away for awhile.

Music has still been very much a part of my life in that time frame. I definitely need it to work out to. But, I've just stuck to Pandora and Spotify stations.

Recently, though, I've been drawn to using Shazam again to tag songs that absolutely draw me in.

Here are the songs that I crave and can't get enough of!

• Josh Ritter - Getting Ready to Get Down - Where have I been?! I love his sound! It reminds me a bit of the Killers' sound on Sam's Town. 
• Gwen Stefani - I Used to Love You - Absolutely, hauntingly beautiful. She is raw and vulnerable and absolutely relatable in the love/hate aspect. I can't get the hook out of my head "suitcase, band aids, pulling back out the driveway, you go, I'll stay, you can keep all the memories.'
• Jonathan Jackson (Avery) - History of my Heart - This season of Nashville has had some amazing songs. This one, I can't listen to a ton. I've put it in my pocket to listen to once in a while - it's hauntingly beautiful. So, I don't have it play on my playlist - but I've flagged it as special. 
• Riley Smith (Markus) - All I want Is Us Tonight - since History of My Heart is a sparingly played song, I picked this from my Nashville list. 
• Macklemore & Lewis - Downtown - Seriously, listening to this song makes me so  happy and puts me in dance fever! Definitely a song to start the day with! The lyrics, the fun catchy beat always has my booty moving. And, the video... L.O.V.E!
• Troye Sivan - Youth - trippin' on skies, sippin' waterfalls - g'ahhh! That lyric tickles my brain, and I love it! I heard Troye sing this live on a radio interview while driving one day; and I only heard like one bar; but instantly fell in love with it; and immediately had to find it. 

Messages from Lady Hawk

It's always hard returning from vacation; but even more so when you leave a warm, sunny place to return to winter in Iowa.

My spirits were incredibly lifted though, as on the first morning back from vacay, while Gidge and I were out on our walk, I saw Lady Hawk perched in her new tree! It sent tingles down my spine and a giddy excitement knowing that she was there to welcome me back.

Two days after that, I saw her again warming herself in the morning sun; and she let us get about the same distance away from her (~75 feet) before taking off. For a few moments before she took flight, I just stood and looked at her, expressing my appreciation for her presence in my life and for her beauty. I breathed deeply and asked her what her message was for me. I made it my meditation for a few breaths, and, I felt in my soul that she was affirming to me that what I seek is seeking me. And, to know and believe that. To trust her with that message. As if to make her point, as she flew from her perch to another tree, she screeched at me. Not a warning screech; but rather, a long low screech. Just like she was talking and saying hello back. It was awesome!

Two days ago, it was stormy, and I happened to glance out of my office window; and there she was flying between our house and our neighbors, literally 6' in front of my eyes! She swooped down and then arced over to the garage building 150' feet away and sat perched there before dive bombing into the creek bed area. It was SO cool to see her that close and watch her in hunting action!

Then, this morning, it's been the first time in a week and a half that there's blue skies. I've been feeling low and this morning, as I looked into the sky, the first thing I saw was the glowing moon against a beautiful cerulean blue, and the first jet vapor I've seen in a week and a half! I gave thanks; and as I walked a little further I saw 5 more jet vapors arcing across the sky - it was like the Universe saying, here you! Lots of love to you!

AND, there was Lady Hawk in a different tree, closer to the trail sunning herself. I stopped about 100 feet away and she stood still. Stoic in her  morning basking. I greeted her, and started the same type of breath work I'd done earlier in the week, asking her what message she had for me today. As I narrowed my eyes, I could see the rays of the sun's heat flowing towards me. The sun was a bright glowing ball of hot pink and orange as it was rising above the tree line. And, I continued to see the waves of heat and light. And, her message came to me. My energy is the same as the sun's. My vibrations (and everyone's) have an enormous reach. What we're feeling and thinking emanates wider than we can fathom. If the sun's rays and heat can reach us from millions of miles away, just think of the power that we hold. Her message to me, was that I am powerful. My vibrations are felt. I am loved. Deeply.

Not Lady Hawk, but a picture resembling my morning scene