Up until my mid twenties, I wore myself out setting up so many rules for myself, that I just let it go. It didn't happen overnight. In fact, it was more like six years in the creating of it, perhaps, even my whole life. But, suffice it to say, I reached a point to where, I couldn't help but open my mind up to more possibilities. Like, to be truly open to and believe in them. To try and see things not just from my perspective; but from other people's perspectives, to lighten up. To free up my mind to enjoy life. To literally savor it.
Up until that point of my life, I'd spent six years, from the senior year of high school, to my last year of grad school, worrying about how many calories I was eating and burning; and what I was eating; and how much I was exercising ruled my life in every way possible.
I didn't realize until today, that this week was National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. I can probably count on my hands the number of people who know that I spent my early twenties struggling with bulimia. Today, one of my role models, a former fitness competitor opened up again about her own struggle with it. And, her story is one of bravery and courageousness. For so long, I felt ashamed of myself. It's an awful experience to go through. I spent each day swearing that it would be my last to binge/purge. And, that was never the case. I had amazing friends, I was successful in school. Yet, I felt like I wasn't good enough. That I wasn't thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough. And, I felt that the only thing that I could control was what I ate, and how much I worked out; and that if I could get that under control then everything would change. What's ironic about that is that the more control I tried to have over myself, the more out of control the disorder became. It controlled me.
In 2002, I taught body sculpting classes first at a private gym, and then at a Y and at my University. I would wake up, binge, purge, and then go teach class, dehydrated, weak, and feeling like complete shit. I wanted to crawl under the floor anytime any of the class members would come up to me after class and say, "Awesome class! I wish I could be like you!" I would hold back the tears, and think to myself, "If you only knew, 15 minutes before class I had my fingers down my throat and my head in the toilet. You want to be nothing like me."
I tried to quit. Many, many times. In college, I went to counseling, and was part of a support group. I hated every minute of counseling; and spent each second of the support group wondering why all of these amazing people surrounding me felt trapped. They were beautiful, smart, attractive. I never turned the mirror and asked myself that question though. In grad school, I started a program on my own, a sort of independent study, using a guidebook and audio recordings. But, as my grad school work got more difficult, and graduation approached. I only got worse. I felt like I had no control of what I'd be doing, where I'd be working. I felt like my life would be completely turned upside down. It was black and white thinking ruled by what I ate, what I burned off, and how much I could binge/purge. I would go out as long as I felt "control" over what I ate.
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| Thanksgiving 2003 - At my unhealthiest b/p point Even though I was eating "healthy" and working out twice a day b/p ruled my life. |
In April 2004, Gary and I started dating. He was someone I instantaneously trusted and wanted to spend time with. As a bulimic you spend a lot of time not being present. Always thinking about what you're going to eat next. What you can binge on. What you can get rid of and where. You spend a lot of time out of sight. After dating for a few weeks, I knew that I didn't want to be ruining our dates thinking of my next move. I knew I didn't want to hide from him. I didn't want our dates to be constricted by me refusing to go eat at certain places or eat certain foods. Here's another thing about bulimia; you might eat healthfully, and look for healthy choices, and that's what others see you eat....but in your own time (at least in my experience, you binge on your comfort foods - going from salty to sweet and back again. So while my friends saw me eat healthfully, they didn't know the me that ate full boxes of cookies and a gallon of ice cream in one sitting). So, Gary was the first person out of college that I told what I was going through. He didn't run away. He didn't freak out, or become disgusted. He opened his arms and his heart and asked how he could help. I believe we have to be ready to change on a personal level; and at that point in time, I genuinely was. Nobody but me could make the change. But, with his unconditional love and support, I was finally able to kick bulimia cold turkey.
And, when I did, my life opened up on a completely new level. At first, I was terrified to eat foods that I'd previously labeled as "bad." It was entirely uncomfortable to go out to a restaurant and eat "normally." But, as I evolved and was able to let go of having to have that "control," I was able to start experiencing food and life at a whole new level of amazingness! I felt better; had more energy; and was in the best shape I'd ever been in. Plus, I was experiencing food like I'd never experienced it before! Savoring it, and life, in general.
This May will mark 11 years now that I've been eating disorder free. I absolutely love food and have a healthy relationship with it. I truly believe that my change in thinking held the key to the transformation. In no longer viewing my world as being "black or white" as it pertained to calories in/calories out, my chains were broken. And, that kind of freedom tastes absolutely delectable!
I am now comfortable in my skin. And, while there are days that I find myself looking in the mirror and feeling bloated, overall, I am happy with who I've become. I can honestly say that I love me. I appreciate my body for recovering, for bouncing back incredibly after all of the torture I put it through. I appreciate the love and support that I've received and teachers that I've found to help support my evolution. I appreciate that health (mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical) is the foundation of our overall well-being.
That's why I love what I do so much. I have the ability to help people transform their thoughts around their health and their bodies and their relationship to food. I no longer feel like a hypocrite; because I know I'm living my truth. I've come through one of the darkest periods of my life into amazing opportunities to continue to grow and evolve and help others.
I haven't opened up to many people about that struggle in my life because it's part of my past. I rarely mention it to clients, unless I know they are struggling with eating issues. I am no longer defined by it; nor do I want to have it tabbed as a label. I used to fear that people would judge me, would call me a hypocrite, wouldn't take me seriously; or would question my validity. But, I am no longer that girl. She is part of who I am and I am proud of her, for her courageousness, her strength, and for shattering through the wall dividing black and white, and choosing to live in the vastness and varying degrees of grey. The choices are many, and they're out there to enjoy. Life is meant to be fun, lived, and every second savored. Life isn't meant to be merely survived; rather it is meant to be thrived!
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| Thriving! |
Beautiful story. Thank you for sharing.
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