Balancing on a Fence - Awareness of Being Alive

Isn't it interesting how certain sights, tastes, sounds, can transport us someplace we've been before, even if it's years and miles away?

I think it's incredible how our memory works, storing information and losing some. Or, hanging onto nuggets, that are long forgotten, only to be brought up again in a flash of a second.

As I'm sitting here at my desk and looking outside my office window, I see the tree branches waving in the wind.The sunshine is muted in its wintry way, where even though it's 2:45 in the afternoon, it has the feeling of being much later in the day. There are patches of blue sky peeking through sweeps of clouds that are swiftly moving eastward, like big ships on the sea. They're gray, outlined with white and golden tan as the sun peeks through.

And, as I look out, it's something about the wind, about the color of the sky, about the clouds' movement, that I'm taken back to being 8 years old,, standing in my great grandparents' lawn, stepping on the edge of their wooden fence, my hands resting on top of the boards, and the tips of my toes, perched on the board at the bottom. Hanging on with my fingertips to the fence, my belly pressed into it so that I don't fall backwards, watching the sky.

I don't know what, if any, significance is held by that particular day. I don't remember anything that stands out about that day in terms of events happening. Other than balancing on the fence watching the clouds go by and feeling the wind bristle along my body, my fingertips and toes gripping. Maybe it was an awareness of being alive. Of being fully present in the moment.

I remember days like that as a child, where I'd stop suddenly and look out at the sky or mountains, and recognize in that moment that I was alive. And, be completely overwhelmed by that feeling. It's vastness. Being completely and wholly aware of and frightened by the recognition that I was present, alive, an individual, alone in my thoughts and experience of that moment of realization.

Not that I was alone in that I was by myself. Rather, that I was alone in feeling that vastness, and in that recognition. Did others have those moments? I wasn't about to ask for fear of sounding strange.

As a kid (and even now) do you have those moments of recognizing your aliveness and the vastness of this world? And, if so, how do they make you feel?

Letting the Sunshine In

I'm going through the process of grieving the loss of my best friend. It's been four months since the end; and it's rough. I'm what you would call a "sensitive bunny." And, I've never been one that deals easily with loss. I feel sad when turning in a leased car....so with people it's a million times harder. Loss, even if it's not actual death, is still the disappearance of something meaningful that once existed.

Whether you believe in 5 or 7 stages of grief, the stages aren't linear. And, just when you've gotten to a space of hope, it seems like anger and sadness flood right in without invite or pretense. I've not ever been one to deal with emptiness. To be able to sit with my feelings. I'd rather smooth it and move right along. And, in so doing, it inevitably comes back to bite me in the ass.

So, with this experience...I'm not yet to the point where I am entirely thankful for the loss and the lessons I'm being given. I have been led to many neat teachers, guides, and resources. I can say that I am experiencing life. Every. Single. Feeling. And, as all of the teachers say, that's what life is, the good, the bad, the ups, the downs, and that truly living is embracing each of those moments. Like, arms wide open embrace them, get down and close and truly feel the shit the ecstasy, and everything in between. And, to be grateful to be alive and have the capabilities to do so. Part of my getting better understanding with my intuition is asking myself what I need, and then honoring that. And, that's been challenging, b/c really nobody likes to experience emptiness and loneliness. And, while I do have a wonderful support system, moving through this sticky wicket is something that nobody else can do for me. So, I tune in.

One of my mentors/guides, Judy, gifted me with an Archangel Raphael card deck. The Archangels help everyone. You just have to ask for their help. Raphael is in charge of healing. Last night, before I laid down to sleep, I asked the question in terms of what I needed to do for my healing process; and I drew the sunshine card. My initial thought was, "Well, Raphael, I would LOVE to get back  into the warmth and sunshine! I adore sunshine and being outdoors basking in those rays! Alas, it's mid-January and freezing cold. So, I'm not going to go outside. But, I will use my full spectrum light. And sit in the sunshine flowing through the windows at all opportunities." The card also suggested that sending light in regards to the question asked is also an option. And, I really like that. I do believe that when we see ourselves in light and send light to others, that that positivity is felt and makes a difference.

So, anyway, I woke up this morning not even remembering my card, and in asking myself what I needed, the answer came as being that I needed to do a heart opening meditation. In the Youtube feed, a kundalini yoga video for heart opening popped up; and it was perfect because today's my scheduled yoga day for workouts!

I stumbled upon the Surya Kriya  video led by Sharlene Starr; and it was amazing! Little did I know that surya kriya is a set of poses designed to fire up the sun within. How synchronous is that?! The 55 minutes was indeed a journey. Sharlene is a fantastic teacher. And, during this video (I've not watched others, so I don't know if she does it all the time, but she's backed by live musicians who softly sing and chant throughout the practice). I love that she explains the purpose of each of the poses and guides everyone through effortlessly, and offers a 30 second announcement to let you know that the pose is almost up. She guides you through 4 different poses.

1) You first start out with right nostril breathing, meaning that you block off your left nostril and slowly inhale and exhale through only your right nostril. Once you release your left nostril, wowza! It's incredible how you notice how much you've opened up your breath work. I found that I was breathing deeply and allowing oxygen to flow to places where I'd been holding my breath back before. And, when we're feeling stressed or sad or overwhelmed, think about it...we hold our breath. We're not fully ourselves, we fold up and shrink, instead of expanding. And, that's exactly what this pose is designed to do...open, and bring fresh breath to move out stagnation.

2) Sat kriya -  in this pose, you are sitting on your knees, interlacing your hands, while extending your pointer fingers up into a temple (Jupiter pose), and raising your arms overhead. As you inhale, you are verbally and emphatically saying sat and on the exhale saying a softer nam. Maybe it was the intonation of Jupiter (Roman war god) but I definitely got into it! It felt good to feel my breath come through my belly and out through my teeth as I powerfully exhaled sat. It was empowering and liberating in a way that I was opening my voice. I'm usually one to stuff things in. I don't often yell...but when I do it's because I've reached my boiling point and can't contain it any longer. So, this exercise felt like a safe way to let out any anger that I'd been holding onto. To express it, while powerfully keeping my arms raised overhead and my spine tall and strong. And, the expression of saying nam was calming, comforting and soothing. It was a perfect balance.  I recommend this pose if you've been biting your tongue, or don't know how to fully express yourself verbally.

3) Spinal flexion - talk about standing tall and opening up...this pose has you placing your fingers on the fronts of your shoulders, thumbs behind while your elbows are out wide. It forces you to open up and expand your chest while sitting tall...and bending side to side, using the sat nam breathing pattern. As I find that my posture needs work, this pose was amazing because it's active and you realize where your point of tallness is and what a straight, strong spine feels like. It also feels good to bend side to side and timing that with your breath. After the heart opening pose, and expressing my voice, I felt really vulnerable...but, in a good way. Like, the tears that were coming were a release of resistance that I'd been building up.

So, when we got to the end of that pose, I was especially grateful for the integration period. After each of the exercises, Sharlene asks you to sit quietly and let the work you've just done integrate and sink in. That part is truly delightful because you'll certainly notice a difference in your breathing, balance, and the way your body and energy field feel.

4) Frog - I was looking forward to this because I love frog pose...but I didn't know that it would be so intense. OMG, my quads were on fire after a few reps! After feeling emotional and vulnerable, it felt really good to go to a pose that required activity and work. But, man o Pete, I was feeling the fiyah!

5) Neck turns - this is a gentle pose, where you're sitting easily and move only your head looking from right to left with the sat nam breathing pattern. It's delightful in that it's like increasing your perspective and periphery. OH, by the way, ALL of the exercises are done with your eyes closed so that you work on deepening your connection through your third eye and intuition! Yeah! That makes it fun in a different, challenging sort of way!

The practice ends with a self meditation breathing deeply while chanting sat nam; and then with a song! I'd never finished a yoga session with a song. And, this one was awesome and brings this whole post back full circle with its lyrics: "May the long time sun shine upon you. All love surround you And the pure light within you, guide you on your way."

Ahhh, just typing those words out now makes me feel lighter and happier. I will definitely be incorporating this practice into my weekly routine. It will be a practice that I go to in working through the ebbs and flows of life, to deepen my intuition and to open my heart up so that I may shine.

I particularly love how Sharlene ended the video with the following sentiments, and wish them for you as well; "may you have a clear and focused mind, a strong strong body, and your spirit full of light."

"Light to all. Love to all, Peace to all."

Tuning Into Intuition

One of my current self-growth projects is that of learning to tune into (and listen to) my intuition.

I am a collaborator. I like to get other people's opinions on things. I like to listen to different perspectives....and, at times (sometimes frequently) I tune out of what my own gut and intuition are saying. Or, I go back and forth and back and forth...seeing all sides of something; and questioning my instinct. Why? I guess it's primarily because I fear being wrong, or making a mistake, or not making the right decision. Or, what if something else pops up that I haven't thought about yet?

I'm finding it's a process to (re)train myself to listen to my intuition. So, I've been practicing by taking little steps everyday. I try and meditate twice a day. For about 15-20 minutes right before I get up out of bed; and then 15-20 minutes as I'm going to sleep. I do this to help clear my mind. And, you know what? After practicing for awhile (and with the help of guided meditations) it's becoming much easier to settle into a state of relaxation. Whereas before, I was a person, who once I shut my eyes my whole to-do list, and all of the world's great questions flooded my mind. There was a cacophony of thoughts that were ALL over the place.  Somedays, when I'm unsettled, it's hard to get into a spot of meditation and clearing my mind. But, overall, it's gotten easier. So, for those of you who say you can't meditate....give it a little practice. Or, do your meditation while you're out walking. There's SO much to be said for feeling your footsteps on the ground and letting your energy have an outlet as you stride along that can help clear your mind.

Yesterday, I kept getting inclinations to look out my windows. It was a really steady pull every time I walked by a general area to look out the window. I listened, and each time I peered out, I saw beautiful white jet vapor trails streaking across the crisp blue sky. I LOVE seeing jet vapor trails! They're my wink from the Universe. I saw the beauty of the sun shining. So, I thanked the Universe for pulling me to the window to peer out. Grateful for what I'd seen. Yet, I couldn't help but feel this inkling like there was something more.

Since it's been bitter cold out (sub zero temps) since returning from winter break, Gidget and I haven't taken extended walks outside. So, I haven't seen my hawk in about 3 weeks. My inclination was that maybe my intuition was calling me to the window to see her. But, I didn't. And, today!!! As I've been sitting at my desk, I've gotten the intuition to look to my left, out through the window, and who do I see?! That's right! Lady hawk gliding along through the sky, just beautifully gliding and effortlessly, almost lackadaisically flapping her wings! I smiled HUGELY and thanked the Universe! Oh my goodness did it feel good to see her again!!! And, not 30 minutes later, in another nudge from the Universe, I looked out my window to see her flying back in the other direction!!!! I feel blessed!

In particularly, hawk symbolism means turning into your higher spirit. So, I'm taking her presence as confirmation that I am tuning into my inner guidance! And, I'm learning to trust that. I had an inkling that she was the reason I was being prompted to look outside, and whatta you know?! There she is! Proof!

 

Happy 63rd Birthday, Dad!

I have a gratitude journal that I write in daily. This practice started when I read "The Secret" and was turned onto the expansive power of gratitude. Then, in deepening my practice with the Law of Attraction, I started doing what Abraham-Hicks suggest in having a Book of Positive Aspects, where you list out all of the positive aspects and all of the things that you appreciate, love, and what makes you feel good.

In honor of my Dad's 63rd birthday today, I dedicated my journaling time towards thinking about and writing all of the things that I love and appreciate about him.

•  I appreciate that he's celebrating another trip around the sun!
• I appreciate his sense of humor - whether he's pulling pranks or being "Michael Dail, the Teasing Tail," as my Grammie (his mom) calls him; or trying to get me (who I think he sees as his melancholy daughter) to smile or laugh.
• I appreciate that he is a peacemaker. Growing up in a house with three ladies, he often stepped in to smooth the waters.
• I appreciate his handyman capabilities. He can pretty much fix anything.
• I appreciate that he likes to laugh.
• I appreciate how he's good at working on cars - from owning his own muffler shop, to restoring cars (he has a really sweet '69 Sting Ray). He's good at what he does.
• I appreciate his love of nature and being outdoors. 
• I appreciate how he's social and friendly.
• I appreciate his sense of fairness.
• I appreciate how he cracks up during funny movies...and when he starts laughing uncontrollably, he cusses. 
• I appreciate how he cracks us up! Like during Christmas, when he played Cranium for the first time and not knowing that he was using the category cards as his clues, he successfully acted out "Star Performer" and then in the next round attempted to draw "Creative Cat".
• I appreciate that he taught my sister, Amy, and I how to change a flat and the oil in our cars.
• I appreciate how he treats everything and everyone with respect.
• I appreciate how he believes in leaving something better than you found it. 
• I appreciate that he's an entrepreneur. 
• I appreciate how laid-back and relaxed his personality is.
• I appreciate his appreciation for music and how he cranks up his favorite songs super loud. 
• I appreciate how he's now learning how to use his Nano so that he can enjoy his music more often.
• I appreciate that  he likes to dance.
• I appreciate that he taught me how to do a layup and use my elbows to box out; and how to drive a stick shift.
• I appreciate how he's a great dad, husband, son, brother, and uncle.
• I appreciate how much he loves animals.
• I appreciate his creativity. I can remember him doing drafting homework with me.
• I appreciate his love of gag gifts.
• I appreciate how he gives others the benefit of the doubt and is slow to judge.
• I appreciate his unique style of handwriting.
• I appreciate how he's super good at taking pictures with the self timer. 
• I appreciate how his voice frequently pops into my head saying: "Lighten up, kid. Don't take yourself, or life too seriously."

I love you, Dad. Happy happy birthday! 

Dad surprised me at my wedding by going all
out with his tux and top hat! 2006

Wogging with his Granddog Gidget 2013

Dad and Mom 2013 

Dad and his girl, Skooter 2013

Dad circa 1975

Dad hiking Williams Lake 2014

Dad, Amy and I riding Tio Vivo cir. 1984

Dad, Amy, and I cir. 1994

Tap That!

Yesterday, I blogged about my acupuncture experience. I love knowing that we are made up of energy, and that we can direct how energy flows through our body and outside of us.

If you're afraid of needles, or want to be able to have an effect similar to acupuncture without having to go to the acupuncturist's office, you can do EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) or tapping. I stumbled onto tapping about 5-6 years ago, while reading Carol Tuttle's "Remembering Wholeness." I was fascinated by the idea of being able to assist your body in processing energy stagnation and feelings of stuckness just by tapping on different points on your body.

Through the years, I've learned from many different talented EFT specialists, and used tapping on EVERYTHING from stress, to anger, to fear to procrastination. You tap on different parts of your body (tapping points) that correspond with energy lines (meridians). The premise of both acupuncture and EFT is that when energies get stuck in our body, they contribute to issues that eventually physically manifest into things like aches and pains or illness. BUT, the really exciting thing is that by tapping, you can help clear those blockages, balance your energy, and boost your system!

Every night as I drift off to sleep, I listen to some type of meditation. Depending on my mood, or what's been going on that day, I'll search YouTube to find something that looks like it'll hit the spot. Last night, I came upon an awesome gem that is a fantastic all around meridian clearing tool.

Boost your confidence, clear your fears, move through what's weighing on you with this active meditation. I did it last night while massaging the tapping points and slept like a baby. And, I did it again this morning as my wake-up meditation, but this time tapped on instead of massaging the points. I'm feeling energized and ready to take on the day!

Meditation: Deep Meridian Healing (42 minutes)

Check it out! And, tap that!

Needling Open The Heart Center

Over the past few months, I've been going for acupuncture pretty regularly. Once every week or couple of weeks. I am a definitive believer in its healing capabilities, given my first hand experience in having fallen off a horse and fracturing my sacrum. After my first acupuncture visit, I went from walking like a zombie to a normal gait. 

Most sessions, I'm able to completely relax into the deepest naps possible. It's divine sleep, really. I wish that I'd started writing about each of my experiences, b/c every one of them is slightly different. Today's though...O.M.G. it was slightly terrifying and exhilarting in the same way that riding a monster roller coaster is. 

Everything started out well and good. Because of the holidays, I hadn't been to a session in about 3 weeks, so I was expecting my body to be sensitive to the needles; and it wasn't too bad. The acupuncturist told me that my pulse was actually pretty relaxed (according to him, all of my previous pulse readings have been akin to those of a pregnant woman)...but, today I was relaxed. I always laugh at that; b/c by nature, I have an incredibly slow resting heart rate. Even when I'm not training for a race, it's just super slow. 

Anyway, I was feeling relaxed and just settled into the flow of letting my worries and stresses go, and completely melting into the table. I could feel my aura floating around me. I was aware of my energy field; and felt orbs of spinning energy in my palms and on the bottoms of my feet. As I lay face down, I drifted in and out of sleep, feeling very much like the giant Snoopy balloon winding it's way hovering above the street during the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Or, as if I was floating face down in cerulean water, casting a shadow along the sandy white bottom. 

It's not uncommon to be completely relaxed and then out of nowhere have a needle start making some noise in that it gets uncomfortable. That's supposed to be energy needing to make its way out. You're told to breathe through it and let it pass. Today's though, I started feeling a charlie horse like ache in my heart center. That's not uncommon. Sometimes I get cramps in my chest area, and it passes. It's usually while sitting on the couch watching tv. But, as I breathed into the cramping, my left side arm and leg started numbing and my palms got incredibly hot and sweaty. I rang the doorbell Dr. Bill had put in my hand (which is brilliant for acupuncturists to provide for their patients); and I felt like I was going to throw up. The pain in my chest expanded and built and I wanted to push the button again and again....luckily, he came in quickly and I jaggedly told him what I was experiencing. 

He said, "Oh you're probably just having another panic attack." And, I was like "What? I don't get them." And, he's an interesting man and jokingly said, "Well, why not? You should!" To alleviate the tension. He removed the needles and I could feel the blood flowing back into my arm and leg and the cramping start to dissipate. He suggested that after he leave that I get up very slowly and stretch out, opening my chest, b/c he suspected he'd opened up some heart energy. 

That turned out to be an understatement. As soon as he left the room, I began bawling. Absolutely sobbing, tears running down my cheeks, waterworks central. I curled up into child's pose on top of the table and just wept uncontrollably. I took my time getting dressed, and sat in the chair, hugging my knees to my chest. I really didn't want him to come in the room and find me going through the entire box of tissues. But, I didn't want to hold in what obviously wanted to be released. And, I know from other acupuncture experiences and talking with friends, that sometimes acupuncture and energy work opens up blocks in ways you don't expect...so, it's gotta be something he's dealt with before. After I had my cry and wiped the errant mascara rivulets from my eyes, I slowly made my way out of the room. 

It's truly like leaving one portal and going into another after an acupuncture session. Especially one as intense as the one I just had. He asked me if I'd felt any popping or cracking in my chest area; and I hadn't. But, I definitely left feeling different. Feeling like I'd opened myself up to more caring, more love, more tenderness. 

Venturing Out - Jen To The Light

Since I was young, like 3-4 years old,  I have been in love with writing. I mean completely enamored with all things printed. I was the first kid in my kindergarten class to be able to read. And, for a painfully shy kid, books were my go-to. In contrast to my much more sociable sister, I preferred to be curled away somewhere lost in whatever I was reading.

Throughout growing up, I toyed with the idea of being a writer. And, in high school, really thought that's what I'd ultimately end up doing, until I was repeatedly asked the question, "what kind of career can you make out of being a writer?" 

Being the people pleaser that I am (working on transitioning to making that a was..or at least less so) :), I thought, "yeah, I guess they're right." I felt that I was nowhere as cool as JD Salinger in coming up with one of my favorite characters, Holden Caufield. I didn't want to hermit myself away like Thoreau (and Salinger). I knew I wasn't going to go off to war like Hemingway. In short, I felt like I didn't have anything truly remarkable or unique to say. I envisioned being a writer solely as writing great American novels. I didn't think about writing in a broad sense. 

But, writing is the basis of so much of communication. It's how we get our thoughts across to those we can't connect with via phone/Google Hangout. It's how I try and sort my thoughts (or used to a lot, and then dropped it). It's how business is done. Writing is expression. It's finding a common point of understanding. It's making your mark, opening your heart, and sharing your experience. Whatever it may be. 

Writing takes dedication. Like working out, or meditating, or any effort. I'm good at dedication in other areas of my life. Working out, most definitely! If I were to compare my writing regimen to working out, I'd be a word couch potato.  I've gone in fits and starts. A friend of mine and I talked forever about creating a writers' workshop. And, that always fell through. I read beautiful books and blog posts by others; and am inspired; and think "I can do that!" And, then I don't. 

In the last four months, I've been fairly good about journaling. More so with my gratitude journal, and a bit with journaling journaling. But, nothing to really hang my hat on in terms of saying, "Yep. I'm consistently writing tangibly." 

And something changed. Over the course of the winter holiday, I felt this immense drive to write. To document. To try and express what I was seeing, hearing, feeling, experiencing. And, then, I didn't do it. I didn't take the time. Over the past couple of days, that drive has been growing stronger. I'm planning on making this foray into writing not one of a flash in the pan New Year's Resolution; but part of my lifestyle.

As I mentioned, I know writing takes discipline. And, I realize it also takes a sense of vulnerability. In that I am expressing my thoughts, opinions, feelings, and perspective. I'm not usually one to come forth with my opinions on things first. I'm one who typically soaks up information, actively and intently listens, and then share what I'm thinking. I'm usually one who has to be asked to share before I do. 

But, I realize that in doing so, I'm holding back. So, that's what the purpose of this blog is about: venturing Jen To The Light - bringing my thoughts into the light, onto the screen, out of my head and into existence. It'll be a random blog, in the sense that I don't have a set agenda or topic to write about; other than sharing what's on my mind or feel that I would like to write about. 

So, here we go!