Whether you believe in 5 or 7 stages of grief, the stages aren't linear. And, just when you've gotten to a space of hope, it seems like anger and sadness flood right in without invite or pretense. I've not ever been one to deal with emptiness. To be able to sit with my feelings. I'd rather smooth it and move right along. And, in so doing, it inevitably comes back to bite me in the ass.
So, with this experience...I'm not yet to the point where I am entirely thankful for the loss and the lessons I'm being given. I have been led to many neat teachers, guides, and resources. I can say that I am experiencing life. Every. Single. Feeling. And, as all of the teachers say, that's what life is, the good, the bad, the ups, the downs, and that truly living is embracing each of those moments. Like, arms wide open embrace them, get down and close and truly feel the shit the ecstasy, and everything in between. And, to be grateful to be alive and have the capabilities to do so. Part of my getting better understanding with my intuition is asking myself what I need, and then honoring that. And, that's been challenging, b/c really nobody likes to experience emptiness and loneliness. And, while I do have a wonderful support system, moving through this sticky wicket is something that nobody else can do for me. So, I tune in.
One of my mentors/guides, Judy, gifted me with an Archangel Raphael card deck. The Archangels help everyone. You just have to ask for their help. Raphael is in charge of healing. Last night, before I laid down to sleep, I asked the question in terms of what I needed to do for my healing process; and I drew the sunshine card. My initial thought was, "Well, Raphael, I would LOVE to get back into the warmth and sunshine! I adore sunshine and being outdoors basking in those rays! Alas, it's mid-January and freezing cold. So, I'm not going to go outside. But, I will use my full spectrum light. And sit in the sunshine flowing through the windows at all opportunities." The card also suggested that sending light in regards to the question asked is also an option. And, I really like that. I do believe that when we see ourselves in light and send light to others, that that positivity is felt and makes a difference.
So, anyway, I woke up this morning not even remembering my card, and in asking myself what I needed, the answer came as being that I needed to do a heart opening meditation. In the Youtube feed, a kundalini yoga video for heart opening popped up; and it was perfect because today's my scheduled yoga day for workouts!
I stumbled upon the Surya Kriya video led by Sharlene Starr; and it was amazing! Little did I know that surya kriya is a set of poses designed to fire up the sun within. How synchronous is that?! The 55 minutes was indeed a journey. Sharlene is a fantastic teacher. And, during this video (I've not watched others, so I don't know if she does it all the time, but she's backed by live musicians who softly sing and chant throughout the practice). I love that she explains the purpose of each of the poses and guides everyone through effortlessly, and offers a 30 second announcement to let you know that the pose is almost up. She guides you through 4 different poses.
1) You first start out with right nostril breathing, meaning that you block off your left nostril and slowly inhale and exhale through only your right nostril. Once you release your left nostril, wowza! It's incredible how you notice how much you've opened up your breath work. I found that I was breathing deeply and allowing oxygen to flow to places where I'd been holding my breath back before. And, when we're feeling stressed or sad or overwhelmed, think about it...we hold our breath. We're not fully ourselves, we fold up and shrink, instead of expanding. And, that's exactly what this pose is designed to do...open, and bring fresh breath to move out stagnation.
2) Sat kriya - in this pose, you are sitting on your knees, interlacing your hands, while extending your pointer fingers up into a temple (Jupiter pose), and raising your arms overhead. As you inhale, you are verbally and emphatically saying sat and on the exhale saying a softer nam. Maybe it was the intonation of Jupiter (Roman war god) but I definitely got into it! It felt good to feel my breath come through my belly and out through my teeth as I powerfully exhaled sat. It was empowering and liberating in a way that I was opening my voice. I'm usually one to stuff things in. I don't often yell...but when I do it's because I've reached my boiling point and can't contain it any longer. So, this exercise felt like a safe way to let out any anger that I'd been holding onto. To express it, while powerfully keeping my arms raised overhead and my spine tall and strong. And, the expression of saying nam was calming, comforting and soothing. It was a perfect balance. I recommend this pose if you've been biting your tongue, or don't know how to fully express yourself verbally.
3) Spinal flexion - talk about standing tall and opening up...this pose has you placing your fingers on the fronts of your shoulders, thumbs behind while your elbows are out wide. It forces you to open up and expand your chest while sitting tall...and bending side to side, using the sat nam breathing pattern. As I find that my posture needs work, this pose was amazing because it's active and you realize where your point of tallness is and what a straight, strong spine feels like. It also feels good to bend side to side and timing that with your breath. After the heart opening pose, and expressing my voice, I felt really vulnerable...but, in a good way. Like, the tears that were coming were a release of resistance that I'd been building up.
So, when we got to the end of that pose, I was especially grateful for the integration period. After each of the exercises, Sharlene asks you to sit quietly and let the work you've just done integrate and sink in. That part is truly delightful because you'll certainly notice a difference in your breathing, balance, and the way your body and energy field feel.
4) Frog - I was looking forward to this because I love frog pose...but I didn't know that it would be so intense. OMG, my quads were on fire after a few reps! After feeling emotional and vulnerable, it felt really good to go to a pose that required activity and work. But, man o Pete, I was feeling the fiyah!
5) Neck turns - this is a gentle pose, where you're sitting easily and move only your head looking from right to left with the sat nam breathing pattern. It's delightful in that it's like increasing your perspective and periphery. OH, by the way, ALL of the exercises are done with your eyes closed so that you work on deepening your connection through your third eye and intuition! Yeah! That makes it fun in a different, challenging sort of way!
The practice ends with a self meditation breathing deeply while chanting sat nam; and then with a song! I'd never finished a yoga session with a song. And, this one was awesome and brings this whole post back full circle with its lyrics: "May the long time sun shine upon you. All love surround you And the pure light within you, guide you on your way."
Ahhh, just typing those words out now makes me feel lighter and happier. I will definitely be incorporating this practice into my weekly routine. It will be a practice that I go to in working through the ebbs and flows of life, to deepen my intuition and to open my heart up so that I may shine.
I particularly love how Sharlene ended the video with the following sentiments, and wish them for you as well; "may you have a clear and focused mind, a strong strong body, and your spirit full of light."
"Light to all. Love to all, Peace to all."
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