Tick Tock

This morning, as I set the clocks ahead one hour for daylight savings time, I found myself getting frustrated that they were out of sync. I'd set the one on the microwave and then move to the stove and think I had it right; and then somehow, even though I set it second, the oven clock would skip ahead to the next minute, and they were no longer in sync. I don't know why, but ever since I was 4 years old, I've been OCD about time.

Not so much now...but, when I can't get clocks on the same time, I get irritated. Or, if the clock in one car is set 1-4 minutes faster than in other cars, or actual time, it makes me want to immediately change them. oddly enough, if it's 5 minutes fast, I can deal with that. I don't like running late (being 5 minutes early is running on time). I really like having a watch on me, though over the past few years have gotten to be more relaxed with only having my iPhone as my time piece.

I'm IN LOVE with watches! Oh my goodness, window shopping for watches is one of my favorite things to do! This past fall, we went through the Virgin Islands, and for some reason there are LOADS of watch shops. Beaches + watches + sparkle = heaven! Watch ads, their displays, their precision, and the craftsmanship. It all just fascinates me.

Anyway, this morning, while setting the clocks, I remembered how as a 4 year old, I BEGGED my parents for a digital watch. A white Casio with a pink border. They wouldn't get it for me...the reason being was that they told me I first had to learn how to tell time on a clock or watch. Rather than it just popping the time up and doing the work for me. I became OBSESSED with learning how to tell time. And, my parents probably rue the day that they made that stipulation because, similar to Sheldon Cooper, as soon as I could tell time, and figured out the general schedule that everyone operated on, I expected militaristic precision in routine. True to their word, when I turned 5 and could tell time, I got a Care Bear Watch with the CareBears on the face of the watch (exactly like this one...but with a light blue band!) It was my most prized possession.

I prided myself on waking up each day 2 minutes before my alarm clock. I loved that I was always ready to go for school on time. I ADORED that tv programs were so precise for their start and end times each day. If my grandparents weren't at school to pick me up at exactly 3:10 pm when the bell rang, I freaked out. Similarly, if my mom or dad said they would be somewhere at a certain time and weren't, I'd become overly worried and spaz!

The fear of abandonment...I have NO clue where that came from; and that's a post for another time.

But, anyway, it was funny to be reminded today of my primal ties to time, and realize how much I'm still anchored to time and precision.

Fear And Speaking From The Heart

Fear. We've all felt it. Whether it be sheer terror while falling face forward, or being creeped out by a scary movie. Or, what we're probably more familiar with, fear of losing something or someone we love. Fear of messing up or making a mistake. Fear of being rejected. Fear of disappointment. Or, even, fear of succeeding.

I used to have a much higher level of anxiety. Only every once in a while now does it rear it's head. But, when it does, it's ugly. I feel paralyzed, like I want to hide. Fearful that whatever I do next won't be right. I feel it deep in my gut, twisting up into my throat. Shallow breaths accompany the tympani drums in my head, and my body's desire to curl into a ball and hide under the covers.

I've learned a lot of great techniques for dealing with it. Meditation, breath work. I'm certain that my level of physical activity has a lot to do with the reduction in stress/anxiety that I feel as compared to when I was younger. Tapping.

But, a really significant part of what I've learned that's helped me the most is finding out that I'm  not alone. Learning that the repercussions aren't so awful - that the fear I build up is much more awful than the outcomes I dream up. I'm capable. I'm smart. And, whatever bullshit I let get into my brain that hits the panic button is unfounded. No matter what, I'm going to be OK.

This past year, since starting my blog, I've written a lot about my personal growth. Last week, I felt like I really stepped forward and really saw that I have changed in ways that I have been working on.

I had applied for a job position that sounded really cool; but as I had time over vacation to sit and relax (like truly for the first time in my life turn my brain off and completely relax and not have a care in the world), that it wasn't what I wanted, exactly.

It appeals to me. The management is great. The vision of the project is awesome. It's a really cool opportunity. But, I also love the momentum that I've built up this last year with my business. And, I want to keep building that. I recognized, that with every opportunity as a side job that I've taken, even though it's been great financially, it's taken me away from the vision that I had when I started my business. And, after my contract ended with the VA, I dug in and dedicated myself to Patina Esprit (now Jenspiration).

Initially, I feared that turning down the job offer and asking for something different would've  been rejected. That it would ruin my chances of doing presentations for them again, or that it would be awkward in future meeting situations. But, I felt strongly about what I wanted to do, and instead, proposed what I wanted. What felt good to me in terms of scope of work as it relates to hours and expectations allowing me to do all of what I love. And, even though I was afraid to have the negotiating talk, I spoke from my heart, said what I wanted and what I loved and also what excited me about the opportunity at hand. And, you know what? They accepted that! They said yes!

I've stepped out and will continue to speak from my heart and ask for what I want.

Ear Worms

To be honest, I've not made a music playlist in over a year. It's something that I used to love to do; and kind of like reading, I tucked it away for awhile.

Music has still been very much a part of my life in that time frame. I definitely need it to work out to. But, I've just stuck to Pandora and Spotify stations.

Recently, though, I've been drawn to using Shazam again to tag songs that absolutely draw me in.

Here are the songs that I crave and can't get enough of!

• Josh Ritter - Getting Ready to Get Down - Where have I been?! I love his sound! It reminds me a bit of the Killers' sound on Sam's Town. 
• Gwen Stefani - I Used to Love You - Absolutely, hauntingly beautiful. She is raw and vulnerable and absolutely relatable in the love/hate aspect. I can't get the hook out of my head "suitcase, band aids, pulling back out the driveway, you go, I'll stay, you can keep all the memories.'
• Jonathan Jackson (Avery) - History of my Heart - This season of Nashville has had some amazing songs. This one, I can't listen to a ton. I've put it in my pocket to listen to once in a while - it's hauntingly beautiful. So, I don't have it play on my playlist - but I've flagged it as special. 
• Riley Smith (Markus) - All I want Is Us Tonight - since History of My Heart is a sparingly played song, I picked this from my Nashville list. 
• Macklemore & Lewis - Downtown - Seriously, listening to this song makes me so  happy and puts me in dance fever! Definitely a song to start the day with! The lyrics, the fun catchy beat always has my booty moving. And, the video... L.O.V.E!
• Troye Sivan - Youth - trippin' on skies, sippin' waterfalls - g'ahhh! That lyric tickles my brain, and I love it! I heard Troye sing this live on a radio interview while driving one day; and I only heard like one bar; but instantly fell in love with it; and immediately had to find it. 

Messages from Lady Hawk

It's always hard returning from vacation; but even more so when you leave a warm, sunny place to return to winter in Iowa.

My spirits were incredibly lifted though, as on the first morning back from vacay, while Gidge and I were out on our walk, I saw Lady Hawk perched in her new tree! It sent tingles down my spine and a giddy excitement knowing that she was there to welcome me back.

Two days after that, I saw her again warming herself in the morning sun; and she let us get about the same distance away from her (~75 feet) before taking off. For a few moments before she took flight, I just stood and looked at her, expressing my appreciation for her presence in my life and for her beauty. I breathed deeply and asked her what her message was for me. I made it my meditation for a few breaths, and, I felt in my soul that she was affirming to me that what I seek is seeking me. And, to know and believe that. To trust her with that message. As if to make her point, as she flew from her perch to another tree, she screeched at me. Not a warning screech; but rather, a long low screech. Just like she was talking and saying hello back. It was awesome!

Two days ago, it was stormy, and I happened to glance out of my office window; and there she was flying between our house and our neighbors, literally 6' in front of my eyes! She swooped down and then arced over to the garage building 150' feet away and sat perched there before dive bombing into the creek bed area. It was SO cool to see her that close and watch her in hunting action!

Then, this morning, it's been the first time in a week and a half that there's blue skies. I've been feeling low and this morning, as I looked into the sky, the first thing I saw was the glowing moon against a beautiful cerulean blue, and the first jet vapor I've seen in a week and a half! I gave thanks; and as I walked a little further I saw 5 more jet vapors arcing across the sky - it was like the Universe saying, here you! Lots of love to you!

AND, there was Lady Hawk in a different tree, closer to the trail sunning herself. I stopped about 100 feet away and she stood still. Stoic in her  morning basking. I greeted her, and started the same type of breath work I'd done earlier in the week, asking her what message she had for me today. As I narrowed my eyes, I could see the rays of the sun's heat flowing towards me. The sun was a bright glowing ball of hot pink and orange as it was rising above the tree line. And, I continued to see the waves of heat and light. And, her message came to me. My energy is the same as the sun's. My vibrations (and everyone's) have an enormous reach. What we're feeling and thinking emanates wider than we can fathom. If the sun's rays and heat can reach us from millions of miles away, just think of the power that we hold. Her message to me, was that I am powerful. My vibrations are felt. I am loved. Deeply.

Not Lady Hawk, but a picture resembling my morning scene

The Power of Dance

I LOVE the tv show, "Dancing with the stars!" To be chosen to dance would be a dream come true! The hair, wardrobe, learning an art from professionals! The whole concept enthralls me.

I'm always in awe of the professional dancers and their level of patience and skill. I go back and forth each season on who I would choose as my pro partner. But, this season, it would be Val.

I'm mesmerized by the dancing. Often times mimicking the routines in my living room. There are at least 3 dances per season that make me well up with tears because the message within the dances is so powerful, or because someone who was struggling has a breakthrough and nails the choreography, or just because the routine is simply spellbinding.

Last night, I was watching while eating dinner; and Alexa Penavega's intro came on regarding her battle with bulimia. And, how she overcame it; but was ashamed of it for so long. Mark Ballas, her partner, is a brilliant choreographer, and what he created for them to dance to, was breathtaking. Alexa's story resonated with my soul. Having also battled and won a 6 year fight with bulimia; and knowing how I didn't want to be associated with it. Not be judged by it. Nor, be labeled by it is something that I know. And, also overcoming it, winning the battle and being my healthiest, strongest, fittest, and fiercest, yet most vulnerable about sharing it, is something that I know too.

Their dance made me stop eating, and I sat with goosebumps watching it. It was powerful, evocative, beautiful and brave.



http://www.hulu.com/watch/868705

FIRED UP!

I recently returned from the ABWA National Women's Leadership Conference in Albuquerque, and I am FIRED up!

I LOVE, <3, lurrrrve conferences! I could literally go to one each week; and it would be a dream come true to be a motivational/keynote speaker for big gigs!

During this year's conference, I was honored with being selected as a Top Ten Business Woman. And, had to give a speech during the Saturday luncheon. Each of us had 3 minutes to share how ABWA has helped us emulate this year's theme of "Grow You, Grow Together" and what advice we have for other ABWA members/prospects.

I'd started working on my speech about 2 weeks prior to conference; not really knowing what I would say, exactly, just knowing that it would be from my heart. And, as I started to put my experience into words, it became a challenge to winnow it down to 3 minutes. I took to heart, Stephen King's advice of "cutting out my little darlings" and per our mentor's advice, aimed for 2:50.

On Wednesday of last week, all of the Top Tens gathered for a meeting to practice our speeches in front of one another and give and receive feedback. It was the first time each of us hear the others' speeches, and everyone's was fantastic! All different, all wonderful, all meaningful.

We each had two practice runs, and I nailed my first; but then on my second, I wobbled a bit. I was OK with that knowing that I had time to continue to practice prior to Saturday. (I had been practicing over the past two weeks, including videoing myself, and repeating it at least 2x per shower. Showers tend to be the places where I rehearse presentations. I don't know why).

I had my speech pretty much memorized, aside from one little transition piece that I found myself tripping on.

Saturday morning arrived, and we had the most sparkling keynoter in Karen Hoyos, who had me completely emotional. Something I was trying to avoid b/c the beginning of my speech made me tear up and I didn't want to cry on stage. So, having the water works primed in the morning made me a little bit nervous. But one of the things Karen had us do that was so remarkable, was to hold hands with one of the other conference attendees that we didn't know; and gaze deeply into their eyes, without any verbal contact. Just acknowledging the soul in the other person. I hadn't done that in a few years, and phew! It was extremely powerful, and had everyone's tears flowing because of its profound depth. She then said something that I've heard a million times, and believe in....but, just something about the way that she said it then and there stamped my heart and soul. And, that was about shining. Believing in ourselves and knowing that there is nobody else like us. That our story is what we come here on earth to tell. And, she asked us to ask ourselves if we'd been playing small.

My heartfelt answer. Yes. I've been playing small. Afraid of shining because of fear of being judged. Of being left out. Of failing. Of succeeding. But, in that moment, she lit a fire in my heart that is going strong. I CHOOSE TO PLAY BIG! I CHOOSE TO HONOR ME!

As I sat on the stage for lunch, I looked out at the crowd and reminded myself that they were all there in the spirit of love and support. That they wanted to hear our stories. And, that my story was/is important. I was SO excited that my parents, Grammie, and women who have helped me grow were there in the audience of close to 300.

I started out a little bit nervous; but as I went along, something just took over inside of me and I spoke and had fun. Small and timid wasn't going to cut it, I wanted to THRIVE!

And, I'm on a roll this week, moving forward with the momentum from conference, taking to heart everything that I learned and that ignited a fire in me to move with passion and energy and positivity -- on an even more exciting path of being ME!

Home

Last week, I had the opportunity to go home to Taos, NM for 3 days. It was amazing! I've not been home in the fall since going to college. I always used to say it was my favorite season, and during this trip, I was reminded why. The aspens were in full splendor of gold, yellow, and red dapples among the evergreen, and some other trees that hadn't yet turned, set atop a cerulean blue sky. Oh my god. It was breathtaking!

I awoke on Sunday morning, and ran on the dirt road that I grew up on; down the mountain and along the cemetery towards the recently deceased country singer, Lynn Anderson's house; and back along toward the Hot Shots fire crew station. Hearing each foot fall combined with the crunching gravel, feeling my lungs burning with the 35 degree air, and smelling the scent of the horse barn along the road made me feel at one with the Universe.

I didn't listen to music, only my feet and breath. A magpie followed me, flying overhead. And, I couldn't recall the last time I'd seen a magpie, but was enchanted by its presence. I noticed that the crows there flew in pairs, and even though I hadn't been training for running, I sped along, propelling my body, and was right on pace with the time I ran there this past July.

I ran up the hill beyond the Hot Shots station, pausing for a few breaths at the end of the road before heading back home again. It seemed as though the town was waking up and I was witnessing everything come alive. I ran back toward the highway, and then doubled back along the cemetery, up to Paseo Bufalo, my lungs, head, and heart pounding, and acknowledged my body for carrying me forward. As I walked back up the rest of the hill towards my parents' house, focusing on the Taos mountains in the background, I felt a deep sense of spirituality and aliveness. A sense of being and empowerment. A sense of pride and most importantly, of home. Acknowledging that I will always be a Taosena, and that a large part of my heart belongs in Canon.