I LOVE the tv show, "Dancing with the stars!" To be chosen to dance would be a dream come true! The hair, wardrobe, learning an art from professionals! The whole concept enthralls me.
I'm always in awe of the professional dancers and their level of patience and skill. I go back and forth each season on who I would choose as my pro partner. But, this season, it would be Val.
I'm mesmerized by the dancing. Often times mimicking the routines in my living room. There are at least 3 dances per season that make me well up with tears because the message within the dances is so powerful, or because someone who was struggling has a breakthrough and nails the choreography, or just because the routine is simply spellbinding.
Last night, I was watching while eating dinner; and Alexa Penavega's intro came on regarding her battle with bulimia. And, how she overcame it; but was ashamed of it for so long. Mark Ballas, her partner, is a brilliant choreographer, and what he created for them to dance to, was breathtaking. Alexa's story resonated with my soul. Having also battled and won a 6 year fight with bulimia; and knowing how I didn't want to be associated with it. Not be judged by it. Nor, be labeled by it is something that I know. And, also overcoming it, winning the battle and being my healthiest, strongest, fittest, and fiercest, yet most vulnerable about sharing it, is something that I know too.
Their dance made me stop eating, and I sat with goosebumps watching it. It was powerful, evocative, beautiful and brave.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/868705
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Thursday, October 22, 2015
FIRED UP!
I recently returned from the ABWA National Women's Leadership Conference in Albuquerque, and I am FIRED up!
I LOVE, <3, lurrrrve conferences! I could literally go to one each week; and it would be a dream come true to be a motivational/keynote speaker for big gigs!
During this year's conference, I was honored with being selected as a Top Ten Business Woman. And, had to give a speech during the Saturday luncheon. Each of us had 3 minutes to share how ABWA has helped us emulate this year's theme of "Grow You, Grow Together" and what advice we have for other ABWA members/prospects.
I'd started working on my speech about 2 weeks prior to conference; not really knowing what I would say, exactly, just knowing that it would be from my heart. And, as I started to put my experience into words, it became a challenge to winnow it down to 3 minutes. I took to heart, Stephen King's advice of "cutting out my little darlings" and per our mentor's advice, aimed for 2:50.
On Wednesday of last week, all of the Top Tens gathered for a meeting to practice our speeches in front of one another and give and receive feedback. It was the first time each of us hear the others' speeches, and everyone's was fantastic! All different, all wonderful, all meaningful.
We each had two practice runs, and I nailed my first; but then on my second, I wobbled a bit. I was OK with that knowing that I had time to continue to practice prior to Saturday. (I had been practicing over the past two weeks, including videoing myself, and repeating it at least 2x per shower. Showers tend to be the places where I rehearse presentations. I don't know why).
I had my speech pretty much memorized, aside from one little transition piece that I found myself tripping on.
Saturday morning arrived, and we had the most sparkling keynoter in Karen Hoyos, who had me completely emotional. Something I was trying to avoid b/c the beginning of my speech made me tear up and I didn't want to cry on stage. So, having the water works primed in the morning made me a little bit nervous. But one of the things Karen had us do that was so remarkable, was to hold hands with one of the other conference attendees that we didn't know; and gaze deeply into their eyes, without any verbal contact. Just acknowledging the soul in the other person. I hadn't done that in a few years, and phew! It was extremely powerful, and had everyone's tears flowing because of its profound depth. She then said something that I've heard a million times, and believe in....but, just something about the way that she said it then and there stamped my heart and soul. And, that was about shining. Believing in ourselves and knowing that there is nobody else like us. That our story is what we come here on earth to tell. And, she asked us to ask ourselves if we'd been playing small.
My heartfelt answer. Yes. I've been playing small. Afraid of shining because of fear of being judged. Of being left out. Of failing. Of succeeding. But, in that moment, she lit a fire in my heart that is going strong. I CHOOSE TO PLAY BIG! I CHOOSE TO HONOR ME!
As I sat on the stage for lunch, I looked out at the crowd and reminded myself that they were all there in the spirit of love and support. That they wanted to hear our stories. And, that my story was/is important. I was SO excited that my parents, Grammie, and women who have helped me grow were there in the audience of close to 300.
I started out a little bit nervous; but as I went along, something just took over inside of me and I spoke and had fun. Small and timid wasn't going to cut it, I wanted to THRIVE!
And, I'm on a roll this week, moving forward with the momentum from conference, taking to heart everything that I learned and that ignited a fire in me to move with passion and energy and positivity -- on an even more exciting path of being ME!
I LOVE, <3, lurrrrve conferences! I could literally go to one each week; and it would be a dream come true to be a motivational/keynote speaker for big gigs!
During this year's conference, I was honored with being selected as a Top Ten Business Woman. And, had to give a speech during the Saturday luncheon. Each of us had 3 minutes to share how ABWA has helped us emulate this year's theme of "Grow You, Grow Together" and what advice we have for other ABWA members/prospects.
I'd started working on my speech about 2 weeks prior to conference; not really knowing what I would say, exactly, just knowing that it would be from my heart. And, as I started to put my experience into words, it became a challenge to winnow it down to 3 minutes. I took to heart, Stephen King's advice of "cutting out my little darlings" and per our mentor's advice, aimed for 2:50.
On Wednesday of last week, all of the Top Tens gathered for a meeting to practice our speeches in front of one another and give and receive feedback. It was the first time each of us hear the others' speeches, and everyone's was fantastic! All different, all wonderful, all meaningful.
We each had two practice runs, and I nailed my first; but then on my second, I wobbled a bit. I was OK with that knowing that I had time to continue to practice prior to Saturday. (I had been practicing over the past two weeks, including videoing myself, and repeating it at least 2x per shower. Showers tend to be the places where I rehearse presentations. I don't know why).
I had my speech pretty much memorized, aside from one little transition piece that I found myself tripping on.
Saturday morning arrived, and we had the most sparkling keynoter in Karen Hoyos, who had me completely emotional. Something I was trying to avoid b/c the beginning of my speech made me tear up and I didn't want to cry on stage. So, having the water works primed in the morning made me a little bit nervous. But one of the things Karen had us do that was so remarkable, was to hold hands with one of the other conference attendees that we didn't know; and gaze deeply into their eyes, without any verbal contact. Just acknowledging the soul in the other person. I hadn't done that in a few years, and phew! It was extremely powerful, and had everyone's tears flowing because of its profound depth. She then said something that I've heard a million times, and believe in....but, just something about the way that she said it then and there stamped my heart and soul. And, that was about shining. Believing in ourselves and knowing that there is nobody else like us. That our story is what we come here on earth to tell. And, she asked us to ask ourselves if we'd been playing small.
My heartfelt answer. Yes. I've been playing small. Afraid of shining because of fear of being judged. Of being left out. Of failing. Of succeeding. But, in that moment, she lit a fire in my heart that is going strong. I CHOOSE TO PLAY BIG! I CHOOSE TO HONOR ME!
As I sat on the stage for lunch, I looked out at the crowd and reminded myself that they were all there in the spirit of love and support. That they wanted to hear our stories. And, that my story was/is important. I was SO excited that my parents, Grammie, and women who have helped me grow were there in the audience of close to 300.
I started out a little bit nervous; but as I went along, something just took over inside of me and I spoke and had fun. Small and timid wasn't going to cut it, I wanted to THRIVE!
And, I'm on a roll this week, moving forward with the momentum from conference, taking to heart everything that I learned and that ignited a fire in me to move with passion and energy and positivity -- on an even more exciting path of being ME!
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Home
Last week, I had the opportunity to go home to Taos, NM for 3 days. It was amazing! I've not been home in the fall since going to college. I always used to say it was my favorite season, and during this trip, I was reminded why. The aspens were in full splendor of gold, yellow, and red dapples among the evergreen, and some other trees that hadn't yet turned, set atop a cerulean blue sky. Oh my god. It was breathtaking!
I awoke on Sunday morning, and ran on the dirt road that I grew up on; down the mountain and along the cemetery towards the recently deceased country singer, Lynn Anderson's house; and back along toward the Hot Shots fire crew station. Hearing each foot fall combined with the crunching gravel, feeling my lungs burning with the 35 degree air, and smelling the scent of the horse barn along the road made me feel at one with the Universe.
I didn't listen to music, only my feet and breath. A magpie followed me, flying overhead. And, I couldn't recall the last time I'd seen a magpie, but was enchanted by its presence. I noticed that the crows there flew in pairs, and even though I hadn't been training for running, I sped along, propelling my body, and was right on pace with the time I ran there this past July.
I ran up the hill beyond the Hot Shots station, pausing for a few breaths at the end of the road before heading back home again. It seemed as though the town was waking up and I was witnessing everything come alive. I ran back toward the highway, and then doubled back along the cemetery, up to Paseo Bufalo, my lungs, head, and heart pounding, and acknowledged my body for carrying me forward. As I walked back up the rest of the hill towards my parents' house, focusing on the Taos mountains in the background, I felt a deep sense of spirituality and aliveness. A sense of being and empowerment. A sense of pride and most importantly, of home. Acknowledging that I will always be a Taosena, and that a large part of my heart belongs in Canon.
I awoke on Sunday morning, and ran on the dirt road that I grew up on; down the mountain and along the cemetery towards the recently deceased country singer, Lynn Anderson's house; and back along toward the Hot Shots fire crew station. Hearing each foot fall combined with the crunching gravel, feeling my lungs burning with the 35 degree air, and smelling the scent of the horse barn along the road made me feel at one with the Universe.
I didn't listen to music, only my feet and breath. A magpie followed me, flying overhead. And, I couldn't recall the last time I'd seen a magpie, but was enchanted by its presence. I noticed that the crows there flew in pairs, and even though I hadn't been training for running, I sped along, propelling my body, and was right on pace with the time I ran there this past July.
I ran up the hill beyond the Hot Shots station, pausing for a few breaths at the end of the road before heading back home again. It seemed as though the town was waking up and I was witnessing everything come alive. I ran back toward the highway, and then doubled back along the cemetery, up to Paseo Bufalo, my lungs, head, and heart pounding, and acknowledged my body for carrying me forward. As I walked back up the rest of the hill towards my parents' house, focusing on the Taos mountains in the background, I felt a deep sense of spirituality and aliveness. A sense of being and empowerment. A sense of pride and most importantly, of home. Acknowledging that I will always be a Taosena, and that a large part of my heart belongs in Canon.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Hawk Abundance
A couple of weeks ago, I was really upset about the demise of Lady Hawk's perch tree.
Then, a week later, I happened to glance out of my office window to see her soaring above my neighbor's deck and into their little tree! Oh my goodness!!! She's such a majectic figure; and it was awesome seeing her land in this young tree. The branches are small. It's definitely not a perching tree of her standard; but she stayed in there for a good half hour. And, then she dove right into the creek area! I was ecstatic to see her again and SO close! Especially, after I thought that she might not return without having a tree to perch in.
Then, yesterday, as I was walking along the trail, my gaze was called upward, as I saw a grey figure soaring above us. Gidget and I stopped in the middle of the trail to watch this magnificent bird glide gracefully above us, and slowly drop altitude until I could see it more clearly. It was a hawk!
The hawk glided into one of the only tall trees remaining; and as soon as it flew into the tree, Lady Hawk flew out from behind the leaves!
I couldn't contain my excitement, and tears of joy ran down my cheeks as I watched Lady Hawk glide from the tree she'd been scooted out from to a tree in the thicket along the creek.
I've only ever seen more than one hawk together at a time; and today, right along the same path that I'd lamented not seeing Lady Hawk perch again, there were two!!!
As I was reveling in my bliss, I continued walking along the path, looking through the thicket of trees, wondering if I would be able to see Lady Hawk through all of the leaves. And, lo and behold, she flew out again, circled overhead to where I could see her, looped back and then took off out of sight!
And, this morning, I had a breakfast meeting downtown. As I was walking along the sidewalk, like right in the middle of the city, I was retracing my steps to find my parking garage, and I jusssst happened to glance down and see this lovely feather!!! I squealed with delight, like a little kid finding a treasure, picked it up, thank the Universe, and have had a smile on my face since then! Seriously, a nighthawk feather downtown on Locust and 7th streets?! That's incredible!!!
Then, a week later, I happened to glance out of my office window to see her soaring above my neighbor's deck and into their little tree! Oh my goodness!!! She's such a majectic figure; and it was awesome seeing her land in this young tree. The branches are small. It's definitely not a perching tree of her standard; but she stayed in there for a good half hour. And, then she dove right into the creek area! I was ecstatic to see her again and SO close! Especially, after I thought that she might not return without having a tree to perch in.
Then, yesterday, as I was walking along the trail, my gaze was called upward, as I saw a grey figure soaring above us. Gidget and I stopped in the middle of the trail to watch this magnificent bird glide gracefully above us, and slowly drop altitude until I could see it more clearly. It was a hawk!
The hawk glided into one of the only tall trees remaining; and as soon as it flew into the tree, Lady Hawk flew out from behind the leaves!
I couldn't contain my excitement, and tears of joy ran down my cheeks as I watched Lady Hawk glide from the tree she'd been scooted out from to a tree in the thicket along the creek.
I've only ever seen more than one hawk together at a time; and today, right along the same path that I'd lamented not seeing Lady Hawk perch again, there were two!!!
As I was reveling in my bliss, I continued walking along the path, looking through the thicket of trees, wondering if I would be able to see Lady Hawk through all of the leaves. And, lo and behold, she flew out again, circled overhead to where I could see her, looped back and then took off out of sight!
And, this morning, I had a breakfast meeting downtown. As I was walking along the sidewalk, like right in the middle of the city, I was retracing my steps to find my parking garage, and I jusssst happened to glance down and see this lovely feather!!! I squealed with delight, like a little kid finding a treasure, picked it up, thank the Universe, and have had a smile on my face since then! Seriously, a nighthawk feather downtown on Locust and 7th streets?! That's incredible!!!
Monday, September 14, 2015
Creation through Stories
I just got off of my regular Monday morning Manifesting group skype chat; and I am feeling amazing! This group truly makes a positive difference in my life that I absolutely love! As the quarter has gone on, and we approach the last two weeks of our group, some have dropped off; but otherwise, the core group is on, and it's amazing how much fun we create just by essentially playing make believe!
As a kid, I don't think that I was all that creative. I loved playing Barbies and with My Little Ponies; and played dress up and teacher. I wrote some stories, but, I didn't spend a lot of time playing make believe.
So, as an adult it's a little bit harder to get into. But, being around several people who do it and make it easier and fun makes a big difference!
I remember the first time as an adult that I successfully spun a yarn. It was on a road trip; and my friend encouraged me to tell the continued tale featuring the characters of "Lonesome Dove." At first, I started out tentatively, fearing that my story would sound silly or be boring. But, with some encouragement, I built up momentum, and ended up having a ton of fun!
This weekend, I was reading DSM magazine, and in it, they did a featurette on a story telling group that anybody can come and participate in each month. The topic is given out 2 weeks in advance, and apparently, you just show up and be the bard. That sounds simultaneously amazing and scary. I think I'll give it a try!
Also, this weekend, our neighborhood had a block party; and my neighbor shared his story of coming from a Turkish orphanage to now being a sought after ballet choreographer. It was such an incredible story that followed the law of attraction. I think it should be written and would make a fantastic book!
It doesn't matter whether our stories are epic rags to riches tales, or if it's just our story. Each one is different, unique, and something only we can tell from our individual perspective, with our own perceptions and retelling of what we experience. Even if we live the same thing, or hear the same thing, no two people are going to tell it exactly alike. And, that is beautiful!
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Loss
Yesterday evening, we walked home from the mall along the trail through Lady Hawk's neighborhood. About a month ago, they started bulldozing the alfalfa field between the mall and our house, making way for I don't know what.
Each day, as I'd pass by the bull dozers and ground movers, I would get angry. Even more angry on days when I'd be running and smell the diesel spilling out of their exhaust pipes; and angrier yet, when I realized just how close to the trail that they had done the clearing. It was depressing seeing the wood chipper next to a mountain of sawdust of what only days ago had been trees where loads of birds lived.
But, yesterday, the project struck a bigger blow. As we were walking along, I stopped dead in my tracks realizing that Lady Hawk's tree had been one of the ones cleared. I immediately started bawling. It felt as though someone had punched me in the gut.I've written about Lady Hawk a few times before. She's this beautiful hawk who I would see on my morning walks with Gidget. She's absolutely majestic! I came upon her, or I should say, she appeared to me last year when I was going through a really dark time. Each day that I would see her either soaring over the alfalfa field, or sitting in her tree warming her feathers as the sun rose, I felt blessed. Special. I believe that she is one of my spirit guides. She first appeared to me last fall by sitting on the railing of our deck. And, with a knowing beyond words, I know that she's the same hawk that I'd often see. Even with other hawks in the neighborhood, I know that she's the one that appears to me.
Hawks are said to be messengers from the higher realm. They are said to bring magic that helps us to connect with our higher, spiritual self, to listen to our intuition, and in developing focus and insight.
I adore her. And, I couldn't help but feel a deep ache inside my soul, and to shake with deep sadness knowing that her hunting ground, her perch tree (her nest wasn't in it), had been taken away from her.
I don't know now where she'll perch. I haven't seen her as often this summer as I did during the past six or so months. I do hope that she'll find a new place that suits her and is a plentiful hunting ground.
There is so much development going on in West Des Moines. A couple miles away, they've completely stripped another mile long patch of what were trees that also had hawk families in them. And, I don't understand it. There are SO many buildings around that are vacant. There are boatloads of apartment and condo complexes that I know can't be filled to capacity.
I know Lady Hawk is a keen hunter and survivor. And, I know that if she continues to be one of my spirit animals, that she'll appear in my life again.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Like the Tides - Creating and Owning the Space to Jump
I can't believe that today is the 9th weekly call in the "Jump!" Coaching program that I'm in. There are two more to go. The time has absolutely flown by; and I am feeling growth, strength, and confidence.
I'll admit that during the first couple of weeks I was disappointed. I felt like everyone on the call focused on their problems and that it was 90 minutes a week of being part of a group that wasn't relevant to me. I almost considered asking for a refund because prior to signing on I asked Nancy if it was for someone who really tried to live/grow from an LOA perspective. She assured me I would benefit from it and that it would align. But, one of the tenets of LOA is to not focus on the issue; but rather on the solution. And, to not post and repeat and comment on things that are dragging others down. Yes, you can acknowledge it; and identify it in terms of being able to propel forward; but that stuckness in the drama or negativity or what you don't want will only bring more of that. This group also has a private Facebook group page where we're able to share more in depth than we do on the calls.
Tuesdays tend to be longer days for me with my coaching load, personal training clients and then the 90 minute Jump call. So, there have definitely been times where I've been tempted to skip the calls; but, I'm always glad that I do join and participate. There hasn't been one call after the first two that I've not benefited from being on.
Nancy does a brilliant job of giving people time to speak, as well as devoting time for our inner reflection and responses to the questions in the notebook. I confess, I have not done the reading along with each of the chapters in the book that correspond to the workbook, because at the moment, I feel I need a bit of a break from the self-development reading focus. I feel that the weekly calls and the journaling are helpful and just what I need at this time. The calls are recorded and available to us again; and I have the book on my iPad (aka Jendle); and I think I will go back to the book as part of my practice after our calls have wrapped up.
Nancy is a poet; and she kicks off each call with a poem; asking us to reflect on the poem and what stands out to us the most, what resonates, and what our intention is for the call. I take the majority of calls out on the deck, because the weather is beautiful, and I find a deep sense of peace sitting in the sunshine watching it set and taking in all the colors of the sky as I do the exercises.
Last week, we were on Step 8 of the Jump process, meaning "Jump"! to take the jump that we've been wanting to. The poem was beautiful; and what stuck out to me was the wording related to dark and light. Being in the present to witness the miracles occurring all around me. Waves ebbing. Contraction and expansion. Unapologetic. And, what stood out to me were images of the sun rising and setting. Dawn til dusk. Tides ebbing and flowing in a cycle. A gradual becoming. It just doesn't turn daylight out of pure darkness. Nor does the ocean immediately rise and fall. Everything occurs gradually - things become. The ocean, the sky, they do their thing unapologetically, going into the space and vastness with confidence, saying "here I am!" and just being. And, I recognized that that's what's natural. And, that's what I'm slowly learning to be comfortable doing. Being me. Being in my space. Saying what I want and need. Shining in the most authentic way that I can. It was a pure a ha! Moment! Slowly, I am gaining a peace of mind, a deeper inner strength, a deeper knowing and trusting of who I am. A healing. And, it's OK that it takes time. It's OK for it to happen gradually. In my mind's eye, I see it almost like a time lapse video of a day. It's a process.
So, step 8...Nancy asked us to envision ourselves taking the jump that we'd imagined at the beginning of the course. And, to be completely honest, I didn't know which jump I was taking. I had several jumps nervously waiting their turn and each taking different priorities over the course of the last 8 weeks. So, when she asked us to jump, I was literally filled with anxiety. It was a revelation to me. Jumping, decision making is a scary prospect for me. I always wonder, "what if I fail?" "what will others think of me?" "What if....ad nauseum."
And, then she moved onto ask us what taking the jump would feel like. And, I got the most beautiful vision of myself sprouting majestic wings on my back and them flapping as I jumped off the edge. I could feel the wind in my face as I soared over the edge above a luscious green valley filled with sunlight and life and love and an exhilarating peaceful feeling. It felt like being on a roller coaster and absolutely enjoying the plunge down, knowing that it was simultaneously scary and fun; and wanting to do it again and again! And, I had a voice inside of me, cheering me on, encouraging me, supporting me, loving me, rallying me. "You can do it! Your'e going to fly! It's going to be OK." "You are amazing! You are brave! You ARE doing it!" We were also asked to describe what our inner landscape looked like, and to me, it felt creative, fun, sensual, adventurous, athletic, sparkling, exciting, happy, strong, courageous, sure-footed, successful, balanced, glowing, confident, owning my power, Cleopatra-esque.
She asked for any callers who wanted to share their experience, and I did. And, as I shared that I felt a deep sense of anxiety in not knowing what my jump would be, Nancy answered by saying that no matter what our external jump(s) may be; our internal jump is always a jump to more self-love, self-compassion, self-acceptance, and self-forgiveness. And, that it's not about just one jump; it's about building our jump muscles; because we're ALWAYS jumping.
Whew! That gave (and still does) me goosebumps; yet such a great feeling of peace. I had felt some pressure to finish the course by making some pivotal external jump, like "ta da!" But, instead, and more importantly, I've been making internal jumps. I find myself being much more loving, compassionate, and forgiving to myself. I have made gains in my jumping muscle in that I've been asking more for what I want and need among myself, friends, family, and strangers. I've been building myself up internally to take up space to be more authentically me without worrying about who will agree/disagree with me. I've come to recognize that asking for help and genuinely expressing what I'm needing and feeling is a strength rather than a weakness.
I've also come to a greater realization that it seems like everybody else's issues, areas of stuckness are much easier to solve than your own. But, it's recognizing that everyone is in a different place, with a different set of coping skills, experiences, expertise that influences what's holding us back. What may be easy, look easy to me, is really hard for others to do and vice versa. And, it comes to knowing and now fully grasping that I can't give what I don't myself have...BUT I do have it all within me. I have everything I need. I have my own experience, I know me better than anybody else does, and it's OK to tell myself my truth. It's OK to ask for help, or a shoulder or an ear. We're all where we're at. There's no comparison to anybody else. There's no getting permission from anyone else. And, it's about honoring that.
I look forward to continuing to build my jump muscles! I just got this great image in my mind, as a toddler, I used to LOVE playing in a johnny jump up, a bouncy seat suspended from the ceiling. It was my absolute favorite thing to do in the world, was JUMP! I guess my toddler self knew that that's what I was meant to do :)
I'll admit that during the first couple of weeks I was disappointed. I felt like everyone on the call focused on their problems and that it was 90 minutes a week of being part of a group that wasn't relevant to me. I almost considered asking for a refund because prior to signing on I asked Nancy if it was for someone who really tried to live/grow from an LOA perspective. She assured me I would benefit from it and that it would align. But, one of the tenets of LOA is to not focus on the issue; but rather on the solution. And, to not post and repeat and comment on things that are dragging others down. Yes, you can acknowledge it; and identify it in terms of being able to propel forward; but that stuckness in the drama or negativity or what you don't want will only bring more of that. This group also has a private Facebook group page where we're able to share more in depth than we do on the calls.
Tuesdays tend to be longer days for me with my coaching load, personal training clients and then the 90 minute Jump call. So, there have definitely been times where I've been tempted to skip the calls; but, I'm always glad that I do join and participate. There hasn't been one call after the first two that I've not benefited from being on.
Nancy does a brilliant job of giving people time to speak, as well as devoting time for our inner reflection and responses to the questions in the notebook. I confess, I have not done the reading along with each of the chapters in the book that correspond to the workbook, because at the moment, I feel I need a bit of a break from the self-development reading focus. I feel that the weekly calls and the journaling are helpful and just what I need at this time. The calls are recorded and available to us again; and I have the book on my iPad (aka Jendle); and I think I will go back to the book as part of my practice after our calls have wrapped up.
Nancy is a poet; and she kicks off each call with a poem; asking us to reflect on the poem and what stands out to us the most, what resonates, and what our intention is for the call. I take the majority of calls out on the deck, because the weather is beautiful, and I find a deep sense of peace sitting in the sunshine watching it set and taking in all the colors of the sky as I do the exercises.
Last week, we were on Step 8 of the Jump process, meaning "Jump"! to take the jump that we've been wanting to. The poem was beautiful; and what stuck out to me was the wording related to dark and light. Being in the present to witness the miracles occurring all around me. Waves ebbing. Contraction and expansion. Unapologetic. And, what stood out to me were images of the sun rising and setting. Dawn til dusk. Tides ebbing and flowing in a cycle. A gradual becoming. It just doesn't turn daylight out of pure darkness. Nor does the ocean immediately rise and fall. Everything occurs gradually - things become. The ocean, the sky, they do their thing unapologetically, going into the space and vastness with confidence, saying "here I am!" and just being. And, I recognized that that's what's natural. And, that's what I'm slowly learning to be comfortable doing. Being me. Being in my space. Saying what I want and need. Shining in the most authentic way that I can. It was a pure a ha! Moment! Slowly, I am gaining a peace of mind, a deeper inner strength, a deeper knowing and trusting of who I am. A healing. And, it's OK that it takes time. It's OK for it to happen gradually. In my mind's eye, I see it almost like a time lapse video of a day. It's a process.
So, step 8...Nancy asked us to envision ourselves taking the jump that we'd imagined at the beginning of the course. And, to be completely honest, I didn't know which jump I was taking. I had several jumps nervously waiting their turn and each taking different priorities over the course of the last 8 weeks. So, when she asked us to jump, I was literally filled with anxiety. It was a revelation to me. Jumping, decision making is a scary prospect for me. I always wonder, "what if I fail?" "what will others think of me?" "What if....ad nauseum."
And, then she moved onto ask us what taking the jump would feel like. And, I got the most beautiful vision of myself sprouting majestic wings on my back and them flapping as I jumped off the edge. I could feel the wind in my face as I soared over the edge above a luscious green valley filled with sunlight and life and love and an exhilarating peaceful feeling. It felt like being on a roller coaster and absolutely enjoying the plunge down, knowing that it was simultaneously scary and fun; and wanting to do it again and again! And, I had a voice inside of me, cheering me on, encouraging me, supporting me, loving me, rallying me. "You can do it! Your'e going to fly! It's going to be OK." "You are amazing! You are brave! You ARE doing it!" We were also asked to describe what our inner landscape looked like, and to me, it felt creative, fun, sensual, adventurous, athletic, sparkling, exciting, happy, strong, courageous, sure-footed, successful, balanced, glowing, confident, owning my power, Cleopatra-esque.
She asked for any callers who wanted to share their experience, and I did. And, as I shared that I felt a deep sense of anxiety in not knowing what my jump would be, Nancy answered by saying that no matter what our external jump(s) may be; our internal jump is always a jump to more self-love, self-compassion, self-acceptance, and self-forgiveness. And, that it's not about just one jump; it's about building our jump muscles; because we're ALWAYS jumping.
Whew! That gave (and still does) me goosebumps; yet such a great feeling of peace. I had felt some pressure to finish the course by making some pivotal external jump, like "ta da!" But, instead, and more importantly, I've been making internal jumps. I find myself being much more loving, compassionate, and forgiving to myself. I have made gains in my jumping muscle in that I've been asking more for what I want and need among myself, friends, family, and strangers. I've been building myself up internally to take up space to be more authentically me without worrying about who will agree/disagree with me. I've come to recognize that asking for help and genuinely expressing what I'm needing and feeling is a strength rather than a weakness.
I've also come to a greater realization that it seems like everybody else's issues, areas of stuckness are much easier to solve than your own. But, it's recognizing that everyone is in a different place, with a different set of coping skills, experiences, expertise that influences what's holding us back. What may be easy, look easy to me, is really hard for others to do and vice versa. And, it comes to knowing and now fully grasping that I can't give what I don't myself have...BUT I do have it all within me. I have everything I need. I have my own experience, I know me better than anybody else does, and it's OK to tell myself my truth. It's OK to ask for help, or a shoulder or an ear. We're all where we're at. There's no comparison to anybody else. There's no getting permission from anyone else. And, it's about honoring that.
I look forward to continuing to build my jump muscles! I just got this great image in my mind, as a toddler, I used to LOVE playing in a johnny jump up, a bouncy seat suspended from the ceiling. It was my absolute favorite thing to do in the world, was JUMP! I guess my toddler self knew that that's what I was meant to do :)
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