I'll admit that during the first couple of weeks I was disappointed. I felt like everyone on the call focused on their problems and that it was 90 minutes a week of being part of a group that wasn't relevant to me. I almost considered asking for a refund because prior to signing on I asked Nancy if it was for someone who really tried to live/grow from an LOA perspective. She assured me I would benefit from it and that it would align. But, one of the tenets of LOA is to not focus on the issue; but rather on the solution. And, to not post and repeat and comment on things that are dragging others down. Yes, you can acknowledge it; and identify it in terms of being able to propel forward; but that stuckness in the drama or negativity or what you don't want will only bring more of that. This group also has a private Facebook group page where we're able to share more in depth than we do on the calls.
Tuesdays tend to be longer days for me with my coaching load, personal training clients and then the 90 minute Jump call. So, there have definitely been times where I've been tempted to skip the calls; but, I'm always glad that I do join and participate. There hasn't been one call after the first two that I've not benefited from being on.
Nancy does a brilliant job of giving people time to speak, as well as devoting time for our inner reflection and responses to the questions in the notebook. I confess, I have not done the reading along with each of the chapters in the book that correspond to the workbook, because at the moment, I feel I need a bit of a break from the self-development reading focus. I feel that the weekly calls and the journaling are helpful and just what I need at this time. The calls are recorded and available to us again; and I have the book on my iPad (aka Jendle); and I think I will go back to the book as part of my practice after our calls have wrapped up.
Nancy is a poet; and she kicks off each call with a poem; asking us to reflect on the poem and what stands out to us the most, what resonates, and what our intention is for the call. I take the majority of calls out on the deck, because the weather is beautiful, and I find a deep sense of peace sitting in the sunshine watching it set and taking in all the colors of the sky as I do the exercises.
Last week, we were on Step 8 of the Jump process, meaning "Jump"! to take the jump that we've been wanting to. The poem was beautiful; and what stuck out to me was the wording related to dark and light. Being in the present to witness the miracles occurring all around me. Waves ebbing. Contraction and expansion. Unapologetic. And, what stood out to me were images of the sun rising and setting. Dawn til dusk. Tides ebbing and flowing in a cycle. A gradual becoming. It just doesn't turn daylight out of pure darkness. Nor does the ocean immediately rise and fall. Everything occurs gradually - things become. The ocean, the sky, they do their thing unapologetically, going into the space and vastness with confidence, saying "here I am!" and just being. And, I recognized that that's what's natural. And, that's what I'm slowly learning to be comfortable doing. Being me. Being in my space. Saying what I want and need. Shining in the most authentic way that I can. It was a pure a ha! Moment! Slowly, I am gaining a peace of mind, a deeper inner strength, a deeper knowing and trusting of who I am. A healing. And, it's OK that it takes time. It's OK for it to happen gradually. In my mind's eye, I see it almost like a time lapse video of a day. It's a process.
So, step 8...Nancy asked us to envision ourselves taking the jump that we'd imagined at the beginning of the course. And, to be completely honest, I didn't know which jump I was taking. I had several jumps nervously waiting their turn and each taking different priorities over the course of the last 8 weeks. So, when she asked us to jump, I was literally filled with anxiety. It was a revelation to me. Jumping, decision making is a scary prospect for me. I always wonder, "what if I fail?" "what will others think of me?" "What if....ad nauseum."
And, then she moved onto ask us what taking the jump would feel like. And, I got the most beautiful vision of myself sprouting majestic wings on my back and them flapping as I jumped off the edge. I could feel the wind in my face as I soared over the edge above a luscious green valley filled with sunlight and life and love and an exhilarating peaceful feeling. It felt like being on a roller coaster and absolutely enjoying the plunge down, knowing that it was simultaneously scary and fun; and wanting to do it again and again! And, I had a voice inside of me, cheering me on, encouraging me, supporting me, loving me, rallying me. "You can do it! Your'e going to fly! It's going to be OK." "You are amazing! You are brave! You ARE doing it!" We were also asked to describe what our inner landscape looked like, and to me, it felt creative, fun, sensual, adventurous, athletic, sparkling, exciting, happy, strong, courageous, sure-footed, successful, balanced, glowing, confident, owning my power, Cleopatra-esque.
She asked for any callers who wanted to share their experience, and I did. And, as I shared that I felt a deep sense of anxiety in not knowing what my jump would be, Nancy answered by saying that no matter what our external jump(s) may be; our internal jump is always a jump to more self-love, self-compassion, self-acceptance, and self-forgiveness. And, that it's not about just one jump; it's about building our jump muscles; because we're ALWAYS jumping.
Whew! That gave (and still does) me goosebumps; yet such a great feeling of peace. I had felt some pressure to finish the course by making some pivotal external jump, like "ta da!" But, instead, and more importantly, I've been making internal jumps. I find myself being much more loving, compassionate, and forgiving to myself. I have made gains in my jumping muscle in that I've been asking more for what I want and need among myself, friends, family, and strangers. I've been building myself up internally to take up space to be more authentically me without worrying about who will agree/disagree with me. I've come to recognize that asking for help and genuinely expressing what I'm needing and feeling is a strength rather than a weakness.
I've also come to a greater realization that it seems like everybody else's issues, areas of stuckness are much easier to solve than your own. But, it's recognizing that everyone is in a different place, with a different set of coping skills, experiences, expertise that influences what's holding us back. What may be easy, look easy to me, is really hard for others to do and vice versa. And, it comes to knowing and now fully grasping that I can't give what I don't myself have...BUT I do have it all within me. I have everything I need. I have my own experience, I know me better than anybody else does, and it's OK to tell myself my truth. It's OK to ask for help, or a shoulder or an ear. We're all where we're at. There's no comparison to anybody else. There's no getting permission from anyone else. And, it's about honoring that.
I look forward to continuing to build my jump muscles! I just got this great image in my mind, as a toddler, I used to LOVE playing in a johnny jump up, a bouncy seat suspended from the ceiling. It was my absolute favorite thing to do in the world, was JUMP! I guess my toddler self knew that that's what I was meant to do :)
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