For the longest time

Wow. It's been over a year since my last blog post.

With moving from IA to AZ late last summer, losing my best girl Gidget, starting a new consulting gig that keeps me busy, adopting Jameson, and life, I just haven't blogged.

I logged into blogger today. The first time since late October when I started a draft post in memory of Gidget. Just seeing the title now (I didn't even login to the post to read it) has made me tear up - full of missing for my baby girl. I will go back to that post and finish it. But, apparently today is just not the day.

This afternoon, I spoke with a woman who was part of an online manifesting group I belonged to last year. She is delightful! Authentic, full of personality and has this radiance that shines from within. She is also a coach and had reached out to her Facebook friends sharing coaching sessions in exchange for a testimonial. I booked a session with her and I am SO glad that I did!

Prior to the session, she asked me to write out 5-6 "should" statements. Things that I tell myself that I should do. And, during our call, we went through those. One of them was that I feel that I should sit down and write, express my creativity and come out with the book that I've been promising myself over the last 15 years.

Truth is, I've felt like I've still not found my creative mojo. **OH, this reminds me to blog about my visit with a shaman a couple of weeks ago - where my creativity played a major role!** adding this to my blogging list :)

Through the coaching session Alyssa helped me shift resistance. Within the first 20 minutes of us talking, I felt a complete shift and went from feeling muddy and murky and heavy to literally feeling all that dirt erode, leaving me free!

I feel sparkly, creative, like I have the Midas touch! I KNOW that SO much beautiful creativity lives within me. It is one of my truths! And, I am going to play and have fun with bringing that piece out of me again!

It fits so well - I am supporting myself in doing so, as over the weekend, I bought Elizabeth Gilbert's "Big Magic". I admire her as an author. I think her authenticity is profound, and I really can't wait to see what comes out of using the book as my guide.

Rain Drops

It's a Wednesday morning. For the past few hours, the rain has been coming down lightly and steadily. Birds are chirping and flitting in acrobatic dances despite the dampness. And, I am lulled by the pattering of the rain drops against the gutter.

I find myself in a space of perfect contentment to just sit and breathe it all in. To cozy up with my mug of Ancient Happiness green tea; and inhale its sweet aroma while staring out into the yard. I feel at peace in this moment. Peaceful with myself and just being in this present state of being. I listen to my breath as it flows in and out. Grateful for my life; grateful for my experiences. I feel a sense of unconditional love. There is no longer angst nor anger; nor fear or doubt. Purely peace and love.

A knowing of a deep connectedness. A stillness that feels amazingly comforting - simultaneously feeling like being showered by the rain drops, washed, cleaned, made bright and shiny. And, like being warmed by the rays of the sun. Feeling illuminated from the outside in and inside out.

I am honoring this moment, this feeling, this space. Continuing to breathe deeply, sending light and warmth to my heart center and radiating it out. Knowing that it is felt.

I AM love. Love is me.

Back in the saddle

I adore horses! The moment I set foot anywhere near one, my heart fills with absolute joy and giddiness!

I grew up being around them nearly full time; and was on a horse before I could walk.

After doing rodeo and the 4-H show circuit, at the lovely capricious age of 17, I decided that I was burnt out and didn't want to be around horses. That lifestyle was decidedly "un-cool". I wasn't a cool kid, and I didn't want to be around anything that would have any chance of making me less so. Which was dumb.

I only rode twice during my college and grad school years; and after landing a consulting gig in Des Moines, I was able again to start riding regularly.

I chose to do hunter jumper b/c riding on a horse as it sails through the air has to be one of the most amazing things EVER!

In the fall of 2010, my horse spooked at a deer and I fell off and fractured my sacrum. That following spring, I dusted myself off, and started taking lessons again; but wasn't in love with the place I was taking them and it's an expensive sport, so I dropped it.

It'd been 3 years (maybe 4!) since I'd been on a horse. A local stable that does Saddle Seat (I'll blog more on that later) in an indoor arena was offering a groupon for 4 lessons. I jumped at the opportunity, and oh my goodness!!! It was SO great to be riding again. It's absolutely therapeutic. It's one of the few activities that I can do where I'm fully in the present moment.

Here's the lovely Paige and I circling around the arena.

Note to self - don't give up on things that bring your soul joy!

Time Travel:

Last night, we finished watching the 11.22.63 miniseries on Hulu. It's based on the novel by Stephen King, which I have had  on my list forever; but haven't read yet.

Over the winter months, I was introduced to Freaks and Geeks, which I'd never watched, and so began my crush on James Franco.

Anyhow, the premise of 11.22.63 is that Jake, (James Franco's character) travels back in time in 1960/61 to thwart the JFK assassination. As he's doing recon work, he meets Sadie, a cute blonde southern belle, who is a librarian and loves to read. They have an instant connection; but she's married.

They're fated to cross paths again as they both end up working at the same high school in Jodie, TX. Their love story is sweet and goes through some twists and turns; but I was always rooting for them.

Jake realizes his love for her is life changing. However, the past doesn't like when you mess with it. So, (spoiler alert)...............

He and Sadie do not end up together. Another time traveler tells Jake that no matter what he does/doesn't do, the outcome will always be the same. So, Jake decides that he's not going to torture himself and find out if that holds true. He returns to present time and Googles Sadie and meets her (at her current age - late 70's); and he dances with her. She seems to recall him; but can't put her finger on it. And, the smile on Jake's face - filled with mixed emotions - happiness at seeing her again, heaviness at knowing he wasn't a part of her life and didn't get to live out what he wanted. And, for Sadie, when he asked her if she'd had a happy life, her response wasn't an enthusiastic yes. It felt like she had settled. I couldn't hold back tears. I wanted them to be together.

Yes, he got to see her again, and find out that she had lived. But, I am sad that for their love story, that they were so close, yet so far.

I believe in Einstein's Theory of Relativity and that there are multiple universes and that time moves fluidly. I believe that we have soul connections that we cannot explain. And, it was interesting to see a representation of it woven so handily.

In a case of musical tourettes, the song that pops into my mind as I think about this, is one of my favorites: The Beatles' "Across the Universe".  I heard it a couple of weeks ago, and couldn't get it out of my head.

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup

They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe

Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind

Possessing and caressing me

Jai Guru Deva OM

Tick Tock

This morning, as I set the clocks ahead one hour for daylight savings time, I found myself getting frustrated that they were out of sync. I'd set the one on the microwave and then move to the stove and think I had it right; and then somehow, even though I set it second, the oven clock would skip ahead to the next minute, and they were no longer in sync. I don't know why, but ever since I was 4 years old, I've been OCD about time.

Not so much now...but, when I can't get clocks on the same time, I get irritated. Or, if the clock in one car is set 1-4 minutes faster than in other cars, or actual time, it makes me want to immediately change them. oddly enough, if it's 5 minutes fast, I can deal with that. I don't like running late (being 5 minutes early is running on time). I really like having a watch on me, though over the past few years have gotten to be more relaxed with only having my iPhone as my time piece.

I'm IN LOVE with watches! Oh my goodness, window shopping for watches is one of my favorite things to do! This past fall, we went through the Virgin Islands, and for some reason there are LOADS of watch shops. Beaches + watches + sparkle = heaven! Watch ads, their displays, their precision, and the craftsmanship. It all just fascinates me.

Anyway, this morning, while setting the clocks, I remembered how as a 4 year old, I BEGGED my parents for a digital watch. A white Casio with a pink border. They wouldn't get it for me...the reason being was that they told me I first had to learn how to tell time on a clock or watch. Rather than it just popping the time up and doing the work for me. I became OBSESSED with learning how to tell time. And, my parents probably rue the day that they made that stipulation because, similar to Sheldon Cooper, as soon as I could tell time, and figured out the general schedule that everyone operated on, I expected militaristic precision in routine. True to their word, when I turned 5 and could tell time, I got a Care Bear Watch with the CareBears on the face of the watch (exactly like this one...but with a light blue band!) It was my most prized possession.

I prided myself on waking up each day 2 minutes before my alarm clock. I loved that I was always ready to go for school on time. I ADORED that tv programs were so precise for their start and end times each day. If my grandparents weren't at school to pick me up at exactly 3:10 pm when the bell rang, I freaked out. Similarly, if my mom or dad said they would be somewhere at a certain time and weren't, I'd become overly worried and spaz!

The fear of abandonment...I have NO clue where that came from; and that's a post for another time.

But, anyway, it was funny to be reminded today of my primal ties to time, and realize how much I'm still anchored to time and precision.

Fear And Speaking From The Heart

Fear. We've all felt it. Whether it be sheer terror while falling face forward, or being creeped out by a scary movie. Or, what we're probably more familiar with, fear of losing something or someone we love. Fear of messing up or making a mistake. Fear of being rejected. Fear of disappointment. Or, even, fear of succeeding.

I used to have a much higher level of anxiety. Only every once in a while now does it rear it's head. But, when it does, it's ugly. I feel paralyzed, like I want to hide. Fearful that whatever I do next won't be right. I feel it deep in my gut, twisting up into my throat. Shallow breaths accompany the tympani drums in my head, and my body's desire to curl into a ball and hide under the covers.

I've learned a lot of great techniques for dealing with it. Meditation, breath work. I'm certain that my level of physical activity has a lot to do with the reduction in stress/anxiety that I feel as compared to when I was younger. Tapping.

But, a really significant part of what I've learned that's helped me the most is finding out that I'm  not alone. Learning that the repercussions aren't so awful - that the fear I build up is much more awful than the outcomes I dream up. I'm capable. I'm smart. And, whatever bullshit I let get into my brain that hits the panic button is unfounded. No matter what, I'm going to be OK.

This past year, since starting my blog, I've written a lot about my personal growth. Last week, I felt like I really stepped forward and really saw that I have changed in ways that I have been working on.

I had applied for a job position that sounded really cool; but as I had time over vacation to sit and relax (like truly for the first time in my life turn my brain off and completely relax and not have a care in the world), that it wasn't what I wanted, exactly.

It appeals to me. The management is great. The vision of the project is awesome. It's a really cool opportunity. But, I also love the momentum that I've built up this last year with my business. And, I want to keep building that. I recognized, that with every opportunity as a side job that I've taken, even though it's been great financially, it's taken me away from the vision that I had when I started my business. And, after my contract ended with the VA, I dug in and dedicated myself to Patina Esprit (now Jenspiration).

Initially, I feared that turning down the job offer and asking for something different would've  been rejected. That it would ruin my chances of doing presentations for them again, or that it would be awkward in future meeting situations. But, I felt strongly about what I wanted to do, and instead, proposed what I wanted. What felt good to me in terms of scope of work as it relates to hours and expectations allowing me to do all of what I love. And, even though I was afraid to have the negotiating talk, I spoke from my heart, said what I wanted and what I loved and also what excited me about the opportunity at hand. And, you know what? They accepted that! They said yes!

I've stepped out and will continue to speak from my heart and ask for what I want.

Ear Worms

To be honest, I've not made a music playlist in over a year. It's something that I used to love to do; and kind of like reading, I tucked it away for awhile.

Music has still been very much a part of my life in that time frame. I definitely need it to work out to. But, I've just stuck to Pandora and Spotify stations.

Recently, though, I've been drawn to using Shazam again to tag songs that absolutely draw me in.

Here are the songs that I crave and can't get enough of!

• Josh Ritter - Getting Ready to Get Down - Where have I been?! I love his sound! It reminds me a bit of the Killers' sound on Sam's Town. 
• Gwen Stefani - I Used to Love You - Absolutely, hauntingly beautiful. She is raw and vulnerable and absolutely relatable in the love/hate aspect. I can't get the hook out of my head "suitcase, band aids, pulling back out the driveway, you go, I'll stay, you can keep all the memories.'
• Jonathan Jackson (Avery) - History of my Heart - This season of Nashville has had some amazing songs. This one, I can't listen to a ton. I've put it in my pocket to listen to once in a while - it's hauntingly beautiful. So, I don't have it play on my playlist - but I've flagged it as special. 
• Riley Smith (Markus) - All I want Is Us Tonight - since History of My Heart is a sparingly played song, I picked this from my Nashville list. 
• Macklemore & Lewis - Downtown - Seriously, listening to this song makes me so  happy and puts me in dance fever! Definitely a song to start the day with! The lyrics, the fun catchy beat always has my booty moving. And, the video... L.O.V.E!
• Troye Sivan - Youth - trippin' on skies, sippin' waterfalls - g'ahhh! That lyric tickles my brain, and I love it! I heard Troye sing this live on a radio interview while driving one day; and I only heard like one bar; but instantly fell in love with it; and immediately had to find it.