Fear And Speaking From The Heart

Fear. We've all felt it. Whether it be sheer terror while falling face forward, or being creeped out by a scary movie. Or, what we're probably more familiar with, fear of losing something or someone we love. Fear of messing up or making a mistake. Fear of being rejected. Fear of disappointment. Or, even, fear of succeeding.

I used to have a much higher level of anxiety. Only every once in a while now does it rear it's head. But, when it does, it's ugly. I feel paralyzed, like I want to hide. Fearful that whatever I do next won't be right. I feel it deep in my gut, twisting up into my throat. Shallow breaths accompany the tympani drums in my head, and my body's desire to curl into a ball and hide under the covers.

I've learned a lot of great techniques for dealing with it. Meditation, breath work. I'm certain that my level of physical activity has a lot to do with the reduction in stress/anxiety that I feel as compared to when I was younger. Tapping.

But, a really significant part of what I've learned that's helped me the most is finding out that I'm  not alone. Learning that the repercussions aren't so awful - that the fear I build up is much more awful than the outcomes I dream up. I'm capable. I'm smart. And, whatever bullshit I let get into my brain that hits the panic button is unfounded. No matter what, I'm going to be OK.

This past year, since starting my blog, I've written a lot about my personal growth. Last week, I felt like I really stepped forward and really saw that I have changed in ways that I have been working on.

I had applied for a job position that sounded really cool; but as I had time over vacation to sit and relax (like truly for the first time in my life turn my brain off and completely relax and not have a care in the world), that it wasn't what I wanted, exactly.

It appeals to me. The management is great. The vision of the project is awesome. It's a really cool opportunity. But, I also love the momentum that I've built up this last year with my business. And, I want to keep building that. I recognized, that with every opportunity as a side job that I've taken, even though it's been great financially, it's taken me away from the vision that I had when I started my business. And, after my contract ended with the VA, I dug in and dedicated myself to Patina Esprit (now Jenspiration).

Initially, I feared that turning down the job offer and asking for something different would've  been rejected. That it would ruin my chances of doing presentations for them again, or that it would be awkward in future meeting situations. But, I felt strongly about what I wanted to do, and instead, proposed what I wanted. What felt good to me in terms of scope of work as it relates to hours and expectations allowing me to do all of what I love. And, even though I was afraid to have the negotiating talk, I spoke from my heart, said what I wanted and what I loved and also what excited me about the opportunity at hand. And, you know what? They accepted that! They said yes!

I've stepped out and will continue to speak from my heart and ask for what I want.