I might have previously mentioned that I'm not the best on-the-spot decision maker. I often see both sides of situations; and go back and forth weighing options, heeding input, and rolling things around. Eventually, I do make a decision. But, I don't like to be coerced or rushed into it. I believe my back and forth and hesitancy to make a firm gut decision on the spot is a result of me always being questioned throughout growing up, "Are you sure you want to do that? Shouldn't you think of this or that?" Even though, I don't think my parents meant to be the equivalent of Regis (or whoever currently hosts 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?') with "Is that your final answer?" Yet, I realized that I've been conditioned to always second guess my decisions; and seek input from the outside, rather than go with my gut.
I wish I was a better at going with my gut and not worry about weighing pros and cons; and trying to see things from every which angle. And, so that's what I'm working on. Similar to the theme of my recent post,
Cada Dia, which had the general message of, "if you want do be something, do it!" I'm learning to tap into my intuition more, and tune into and follow my gut feelings and my heart based upon what feels
right to me. Sure, I'll make mistakes. I'll make decisions that might not be popular decisions; or decisions that everyone agrees with. And, that will have to be OK. At the very least, they will be mine.
I've recently taken Teddy Roosevelt's advice to heart:
"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." I've coupled that with a Law of Attraction philosophy that there are no wrong decisions. I just have to line up with the decision I make and go with it; and everything will turn out in alignment with how I'm feeling with the decision I make the actions that follow.
Over the last couple of weeks, I've been presented with an opportunity to put this philosophy to the test with a pretty big decision to make. I have a hernia. I've had pain/annoyance in my hip and glute now for the past 7 years; and it always flares up when I log heavy or fast miles; and/or push myself with lifting weights. Initially, I blamed Gidget for it, because she always runs on my right side, and has the tendency to jerk or pull. So, I thought it was an alignment issue. But, then I remembered, I've had this longer than we've had Gidget. I started noticing the discomfort being aligned with a bump raising up on my right side lower abdomen. I thought the bump was due to me donating eggs; and having heavy doses of hormone injections...but, after a handful of doctor visits, they said nope.
My bump would come maybe once every month; and then more frequently; and it didn't bother me...but, over the last 9 months, it's been appearing nearly daily; and has grown. In circumference, it's now about the size of a quarter, maybe a silver dollar, and will stick up now about 2 cm after activity, even walking...but disappear when I lay down. This winter, I had two ultrasounds, which showed nothing. And, then was referred to a new ob/gyn office. Of course, each visit I had, my bump decided not to appear. But, I'd been taking pictures of it when it was raised (sidebar: yeah, that's an interesting group of pics to have on your phone....and when I tell friends they can look at a pic on my phone, of the awesome sunset or food that I took...please friends, for the love of God, and for avoiding complete awkwardness...just look at the pic I show you...don't swipe left or right!).
So, I showed the doc the pics and she was like, "I'm pretty sure that's a hernia." And, then, she had me do the turn your head and cough routine. Hahahah! Yeah....since junior high, I've always laughed at my guy friends when they've told the stories about getting their physicals and turning and coughing; and now I know at least to a similar degree why it's embarrassing.
I was simultaneously relieved, annoyed and scared. She set me up with an appointment with a local surgeon for a consult. The office was in the same hospital that I'd had to go when I fractured my sacrum, so I don't have the fondest memories of that place. But, in talking with the surgeon, who was super informative, awesome, and also made me do the cough test), my heart sunk as he explained to me the type of surgery that would be required and all of the impacts. I was terrified b/c he said it was expected to be worse than the aftermath of gall bladder surgery. Which for me, was one hell of a rough ride that I don't want to repeat. I left his office, and made it to the lobby and my car before I broke down in tears. My body, which often feels so strong, felt vulnerable.
Based on that feeling, I decided to get a second opinion with a surgeon who's bio blurb had really emphasized that he enjoys working with and is aimed at getting patients back into action and their regular lifestyle ASAP. Again, for that visit, the bump wasn't raised, but given the pics, he said in all of his years practicing that if it wasn't a hernia he wouldn't know what it was and that, while I didn't need surgery unless it was bothering me, that it would only get bigger with time. Unlike the other surgeon consult, I left his office hopeful and feeling like, "Wow! He pretty much said I'd be back to normal within a week! Sawwwweet! He can do this and I feel good about it!" I decided that when I went through with surgery, that I wanted someone who believed in my body's ability to heal quickly. And, based on my personality type, I liked that he said he didn't want for me to have any excuse to hold back!
I'd pretty much decided on delaying intervention until this fall so that I could train uninterrupted for a half marathon and duathlon. However, day in an day out, as I push myself training, and more frequently even on days that I don't; and my only workouts are those I do with clients, I find myself more and more inconvenienced and in discomfort with this hernia....and it's definitely changed shape. (One surgeon, and one of my clients who's a doctor reassured me that risk of strangulation is minimal...so I'm no longer afraid of that.) But, I've come to acknowledge that last year, I only made one run further than 5 miles b/c of the hip/glute annoyance and my training was limited; and spent a large chunk of time rehabbing post strength workouts some days. I don't want to go through that again this season.
So, I've made my final decision (literally by listening to and watching my (lower) gut) and am lining up behind it. I've decided to get it repaired; and am on the surgery books for May 1st with the doctor that made me feel good. I mean it was a totally different feeling of assurance rather than vulnerability when leaving his office. Sure, I go through periods of time where I'm frightened and not wanting to go...b/c I'm not really an advocate of surgery, and would much rather it heal on its own. But, I also know that I'm impacted by its presence (e.g., my organs popping through my viscera) and the sooner that I get it done the faster I'm back on track. I feel good about moving forward in one direction.
I'm working daily on visualizing myself bouncing right back and lacing up my shoes and being back in the saddle (bike) within a week, and lifting. I know our bodies have an amazing capacity to heal; and that's what I'm believing in: The doctor's faith and assurance that I would be back at it in no time; and my body's ability to be back and better than before! And, while I won't be running the half marathon distance for Dam 2 Dam, I do plan on tearing up the duathlon course later this summer!
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| This Book Actually Looks Awesome, and Will Likely Make My Recovery Reading List |
