Museless

I used to ADORE Pinterest. I could spend hours upon hours finding images that made me salivate, belly laugh, and dream! And, then, I lost interest, feared to be seduced by dreams that were ephemeral. Let down by possibilities that I felt no longer had potential. Instead of being a mind candy oasis, perusing Pinterest became a dark forest, best left avoided.

Today was the first time in a very long time that I went back on it. I revisited my boards and was reminded of so many things that make my heart, mind and soul shine! I feel like there's a path that's come out of hiding (mind you, I'm aware it's been in plain sight all along); and I'm ready to see it again.

I'm ready to open my palms to receive musings, creativity, light-heartedness! I'm ready to be tantalized by far off places! To have my mind tickled by puns, and to experience the beauty of words and fabulous images!

All work and no play, a dull Jen make. Yesterday, I turned a corner in one of my consulting roles. I'd been feeling overworked, blah, and micromanaged on multiple levels. And, something just clicked that a voice in the back of my mind said, "I no longer give a fuck! I am not defined by this role. I am doing the best that I can; and I feel damn good about what I have accomplished. And, if people aren't happy with it, or are wanting to push my boundaries, then, that's on them. Not me."

It felt like a dam became dislodged, and from that moment on for the next several hours, I had positivity running through my veins. A sense of empowerment. A sense of knowing my belonging. And, a sense of electrified peace.

I felt called to tap into my muses, to revisit them and get in touch with creative expression. To do what I'm called to do that sounds like fun!

Ask and the Universe Delivers - A Farewell to 37

On my last day of being 37, I decided to go out for a 4 mile run. I went without Jameson so that I could run unencumbered, fast, just me and my thoughts. It was a gorgeous, bright blue sky morning; cool at 31 degrees. The first two miles, I could feel my lungs burning with the brisk air, the cold seeping through my gloves. I stopped to readjust my shoelaces and shirt and as I took off for the second half of my run, I felt amazing! I could feel the bounce in each step, and gave silent appreciation for my new Mizunos that I just love. I gave thanks for my body feeling happy and healthy; and for the moment in time for me to enjoy basking in the present. As I ran west along the trail paralleling the 202 and the alfalfa field, I looked up to the tops of the light posts wondering if I would see one of the hawks. It'd been a while since I'd seen one, and I pondered how cool and fitting it would be to see one as a culmination present of this year. I let the thought go and smiled as I passed the tree where the roadrunner lives and reminisced about how he had run alongside of me and Jameson a few days earlier. How cool is that?! To be running buddies with a road runner!

As I turned the corner on Recker and Warner to make my way back home, The Killers' "Mr. Brightside" came on and made me grin from ear to ear. Every time I hear that song, it fills my soul with energy and vivacity! I can't help but sing along, and it was exactly what I needed to finish strong.

From the route I was taking, I usually run up the last quarter mile on the east side of Benjamin St. but something in me made me want to hop over to the west side. With a quick look behind me, I zipped out into the street, kicking up my pace to avoid breaking my stride to wait for the oncoming car; and continued sprinting up the street until I caught a white figure out of the bottom corner of my right eye. And, what should it be.... A RED TAILED HAWK!!!! It was on the ground feeding on a pigeon, and I was literally less than 2 feet away from it and it did not care! I yanked my earbuds out and tried to catch my breath as it was being simultaneously taken away in disbelief at being so close to this magnificent creature!!! I was beside myself and then started crying tears of joy - of utter disbelief yet belief that the Universe brought me something even BETTER than I had asked for!!!

WOW, Universe! Way to pull out ALL the stops! I sat on the sidewalk to be closer to eye level with it; and was immune to the cold - I felt nothing but warmth and giddiness - pure glee at my fortune! The hawk, after finishing up the pigeon, flew into the nearby tree and started preening its claws, picking out any leftovers, and then rubbing its bill along the tree branches. It looked down at me every so often, and I was still blown out of my mind - observing it and giving thanks for being able to bear witness to such an extraordinary event. I continued to watch the hawk and it flew into a palm tree and then into the roof gutter of a house. It poked its head around, I'm sure searching for pigeon eggs.

I continued to feel completely overcome by emotions - waves of energy of gratitude and feelings of "See, I told you. Believe."

It was truly THE BEST way for the year to end. An amazingly exquisite teacher, a sign and an omen of the year to come.

Thank you, Universe <3

For the longest time

Wow. It's been over a year since my last blog post.

With moving from IA to AZ late last summer, losing my best girl Gidget, starting a new consulting gig that keeps me busy, adopting Jameson, and life, I just haven't blogged.

I logged into blogger today. The first time since late October when I started a draft post in memory of Gidget. Just seeing the title now (I didn't even login to the post to read it) has made me tear up - full of missing for my baby girl. I will go back to that post and finish it. But, apparently today is just not the day.

This afternoon, I spoke with a woman who was part of an online manifesting group I belonged to last year. She is delightful! Authentic, full of personality and has this radiance that shines from within. She is also a coach and had reached out to her Facebook friends sharing coaching sessions in exchange for a testimonial. I booked a session with her and I am SO glad that I did!

Prior to the session, she asked me to write out 5-6 "should" statements. Things that I tell myself that I should do. And, during our call, we went through those. One of them was that I feel that I should sit down and write, express my creativity and come out with the book that I've been promising myself over the last 15 years.

Truth is, I've felt like I've still not found my creative mojo. **OH, this reminds me to blog about my visit with a shaman a couple of weeks ago - where my creativity played a major role!** adding this to my blogging list :)

Through the coaching session Alyssa helped me shift resistance. Within the first 20 minutes of us talking, I felt a complete shift and went from feeling muddy and murky and heavy to literally feeling all that dirt erode, leaving me free!

I feel sparkly, creative, like I have the Midas touch! I KNOW that SO much beautiful creativity lives within me. It is one of my truths! And, I am going to play and have fun with bringing that piece out of me again!

It fits so well - I am supporting myself in doing so, as over the weekend, I bought Elizabeth Gilbert's "Big Magic". I admire her as an author. I think her authenticity is profound, and I really can't wait to see what comes out of using the book as my guide.

Rain Drops

It's a Wednesday morning. For the past few hours, the rain has been coming down lightly and steadily. Birds are chirping and flitting in acrobatic dances despite the dampness. And, I am lulled by the pattering of the rain drops against the gutter.

I find myself in a space of perfect contentment to just sit and breathe it all in. To cozy up with my mug of Ancient Happiness green tea; and inhale its sweet aroma while staring out into the yard. I feel at peace in this moment. Peaceful with myself and just being in this present state of being. I listen to my breath as it flows in and out. Grateful for my life; grateful for my experiences. I feel a sense of unconditional love. There is no longer angst nor anger; nor fear or doubt. Purely peace and love.

A knowing of a deep connectedness. A stillness that feels amazingly comforting - simultaneously feeling like being showered by the rain drops, washed, cleaned, made bright and shiny. And, like being warmed by the rays of the sun. Feeling illuminated from the outside in and inside out.

I am honoring this moment, this feeling, this space. Continuing to breathe deeply, sending light and warmth to my heart center and radiating it out. Knowing that it is felt.

I AM love. Love is me.

Back in the saddle

I adore horses! The moment I set foot anywhere near one, my heart fills with absolute joy and giddiness!

I grew up being around them nearly full time; and was on a horse before I could walk.

After doing rodeo and the 4-H show circuit, at the lovely capricious age of 17, I decided that I was burnt out and didn't want to be around horses. That lifestyle was decidedly "un-cool". I wasn't a cool kid, and I didn't want to be around anything that would have any chance of making me less so. Which was dumb.

I only rode twice during my college and grad school years; and after landing a consulting gig in Des Moines, I was able again to start riding regularly.

I chose to do hunter jumper b/c riding on a horse as it sails through the air has to be one of the most amazing things EVER!

In the fall of 2010, my horse spooked at a deer and I fell off and fractured my sacrum. That following spring, I dusted myself off, and started taking lessons again; but wasn't in love with the place I was taking them and it's an expensive sport, so I dropped it.

It'd been 3 years (maybe 4!) since I'd been on a horse. A local stable that does Saddle Seat (I'll blog more on that later) in an indoor arena was offering a groupon for 4 lessons. I jumped at the opportunity, and oh my goodness!!! It was SO great to be riding again. It's absolutely therapeutic. It's one of the few activities that I can do where I'm fully in the present moment.

Here's the lovely Paige and I circling around the arena.

Note to self - don't give up on things that bring your soul joy!

Time Travel:

Last night, we finished watching the 11.22.63 miniseries on Hulu. It's based on the novel by Stephen King, which I have had  on my list forever; but haven't read yet.

Over the winter months, I was introduced to Freaks and Geeks, which I'd never watched, and so began my crush on James Franco.

Anyhow, the premise of 11.22.63 is that Jake, (James Franco's character) travels back in time in 1960/61 to thwart the JFK assassination. As he's doing recon work, he meets Sadie, a cute blonde southern belle, who is a librarian and loves to read. They have an instant connection; but she's married.

They're fated to cross paths again as they both end up working at the same high school in Jodie, TX. Their love story is sweet and goes through some twists and turns; but I was always rooting for them.

Jake realizes his love for her is life changing. However, the past doesn't like when you mess with it. So, (spoiler alert)...............

He and Sadie do not end up together. Another time traveler tells Jake that no matter what he does/doesn't do, the outcome will always be the same. So, Jake decides that he's not going to torture himself and find out if that holds true. He returns to present time and Googles Sadie and meets her (at her current age - late 70's); and he dances with her. She seems to recall him; but can't put her finger on it. And, the smile on Jake's face - filled with mixed emotions - happiness at seeing her again, heaviness at knowing he wasn't a part of her life and didn't get to live out what he wanted. And, for Sadie, when he asked her if she'd had a happy life, her response wasn't an enthusiastic yes. It felt like she had settled. I couldn't hold back tears. I wanted them to be together.

Yes, he got to see her again, and find out that she had lived. But, I am sad that for their love story, that they were so close, yet so far.

I believe in Einstein's Theory of Relativity and that there are multiple universes and that time moves fluidly. I believe that we have soul connections that we cannot explain. And, it was interesting to see a representation of it woven so handily.

In a case of musical tourettes, the song that pops into my mind as I think about this, is one of my favorites: The Beatles' "Across the Universe".  I heard it a couple of weeks ago, and couldn't get it out of my head.

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup

They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe

Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind

Possessing and caressing me

Jai Guru Deva OM

Tick Tock

This morning, as I set the clocks ahead one hour for daylight savings time, I found myself getting frustrated that they were out of sync. I'd set the one on the microwave and then move to the stove and think I had it right; and then somehow, even though I set it second, the oven clock would skip ahead to the next minute, and they were no longer in sync. I don't know why, but ever since I was 4 years old, I've been OCD about time.

Not so much now...but, when I can't get clocks on the same time, I get irritated. Or, if the clock in one car is set 1-4 minutes faster than in other cars, or actual time, it makes me want to immediately change them. oddly enough, if it's 5 minutes fast, I can deal with that. I don't like running late (being 5 minutes early is running on time). I really like having a watch on me, though over the past few years have gotten to be more relaxed with only having my iPhone as my time piece.

I'm IN LOVE with watches! Oh my goodness, window shopping for watches is one of my favorite things to do! This past fall, we went through the Virgin Islands, and for some reason there are LOADS of watch shops. Beaches + watches + sparkle = heaven! Watch ads, their displays, their precision, and the craftsmanship. It all just fascinates me.

Anyway, this morning, while setting the clocks, I remembered how as a 4 year old, I BEGGED my parents for a digital watch. A white Casio with a pink border. They wouldn't get it for me...the reason being was that they told me I first had to learn how to tell time on a clock or watch. Rather than it just popping the time up and doing the work for me. I became OBSESSED with learning how to tell time. And, my parents probably rue the day that they made that stipulation because, similar to Sheldon Cooper, as soon as I could tell time, and figured out the general schedule that everyone operated on, I expected militaristic precision in routine. True to their word, when I turned 5 and could tell time, I got a Care Bear Watch with the CareBears on the face of the watch (exactly like this one...but with a light blue band!) It was my most prized possession.

I prided myself on waking up each day 2 minutes before my alarm clock. I loved that I was always ready to go for school on time. I ADORED that tv programs were so precise for their start and end times each day. If my grandparents weren't at school to pick me up at exactly 3:10 pm when the bell rang, I freaked out. Similarly, if my mom or dad said they would be somewhere at a certain time and weren't, I'd become overly worried and spaz!

The fear of abandonment...I have NO clue where that came from; and that's a post for another time.

But, anyway, it was funny to be reminded today of my primal ties to time, and realize how much I'm still anchored to time and precision.