Manifesting Mondays

 

Three weeks ago, through one of the Law of Attraction groups that I follow, I joined a Manifestors group. It's done over Skype from 8-9 am on Mondays. There are 8 of us in the group, and it's facilitated by two of the women who've previously been involved with a similar group.

Right before the first call, I nearly talked myself out of joining it. I was feeling overwhelmed with deadlines and work stress, and just not really in a mood to add something else to my plate. But, I'm SO glad that I did decide to go ahead and join; because WOW! The experience is so powerfully, positively uplifting, that I'm trying to emulate it every day on my own!

How it works is that we're all on Skype, and it's kind of like Hollywood Squares or the Brady Bunch, in that you see everyone's picture on the screen. It's really cool, because we're from all over the place: Maine, Florida, Iowa, Stockholm, Los Angeles, New York and Georgia. The leader starts us off with just a quick 1 minute meditation; and then each of us gets 1 minute to share our wins or what we appreciate what's been going on in our lives over the past week. Then, we each get 5 minutes to share from our Vortex. Your Vortex is the place where you hold everything that you've created out of genuine desire -- essentially, it's your sweet spot of imagination - what you would love to be, do, have - if your every wish and preference were to come true.

At first, I didn't know how I was going to take up 5  minutes of sharing from my Vortex. Especially, with strangers. But, before I knew it, the 2 minute notice had gone up, and then I just had 30 seconds left of sharing. It felt SO blissfully wonderful! And, it was actually pretty freeing to share with strangers; probably more so than if I had to share with someone I knew.

Everyone in the group commented on my ability to tell my story and create my world. They all appreciated my sense of description and detail and enthusiasm. And, as I've reflected on what I've shared  during the 3 sessions so far, is that these stories/creations are all things that I've already lived for the most part! I get to feeling good and solid and excited by telling highlight reels of absolute deliciousness and then from there I springboard into where I want to go and what I want to do next. But, it just blows my mind, and is an absolutely awesome reminder to me of my powers of creation that so much of what I base my Vortex on has been adventures and timing, and circumstances that I've already created! And, if I've already done it, it means that I can do it again and again and again!

So, I've promised myself and set a goal that each day, I'll follow the same format. One minute of appreciation, 5 minutes of telling a story/creating from my Vortex, and then 1 minute of "I am" statements.

Touchstones

I believe in the power of places and things, or what I call touchstones. They have the ability to elicit powerful emotions and bring up memories, regardless of time or space, and feel as if you are reliving them in that exact moment.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I am doing Nancy Levin's Jump! Coaching program. The things that she said in her interview on the Tapping Summit; and during the test call were compelling and resonated with me; and I blogged listing off a quick, excited short description of the 10 steps. But the one thing that I didn't mention in my previous post is that she lives in Boulder, CO; and as part of her Jump journey, spent a few days at the St. Julien Hotel. As if I wasn't already leaning towards taking her course; that fact sent electricity through me, as Boulder, and the St. Julien occupy an immense space in my heart of enormous love and fun and laughter, bonding, and growth. But, also one tinged with fear and questions left unasked, things left unsaid. It is a place that I wish I could've been more courageous, and expressed fears, asked questions, and better communicated my needs and expectations. A place, that I jumped; but got snagged. The synchronicity of her naming of all of the places in the world, felt like it was meant for me. And, although the snag exists, having that touchstone, knowing the absolute power of that place and all of the positive memories, and me currently being in a different mind space, paired with the tools and resources I'm going to be learning throughout the course, makes me more confident in my ability to jump and jump and jump into new areas of my life. But this time, without the fear holding me back from asking questions, from using my voice. So, in that way, Boulder is a touchstone.

This weekend, I drove to Overland Park, KS for an ABWA workshop. Kansas City is another city very dear to my heart. And, even though I'd spent a long day, leaving at the crack of dawn and driving through torrential rain on I-35 South, spending a day chock full of learning, and had another 3 hour drive back home, I was absolutely spell bound and pulled to go to the Plaza area (not just to pop into Athleta). I got this feeling that I had to go - as Mick Jagger would say, wild horses couldn't drag me away. I was driven to go and re-walk paths, reminisce, and to go to the benches on the lawns of the art museum, giggle at the giant shuttlecocks, and just stand and breathe deeply, experiencing the moment and the place. And, experiencing peace, love.

It's interesting how certain touchstones hold magic. It's like walking into a room where you can still smell hints of cologne or perfume; and be instantly transported back to certain moments in time. Where it doesn't seem like years or tears ago; but more like yesterday. Proof that what you lived actually happened. Touchstones are places where you can tap into who you were, what makes you glow, what makes you strong, what makes you happy. And, also into what makes you grow.

Heart Strings

The past week at work has been really stressful. I'm helping to organize a large Forum in September; and it feels like we're miles behind the 8 ball. This is one of the largest events I've been involved in planning; and it's definitely got my anxiety on high.

But yesterday; all of that anxiety and everything I've been making a big deal over, seemed minutely insignificant. We had a fabulous guest speaker at our ABWA luncheon, who talked about networking, and the value of building relationships. And, that one way he builds relationships is by asking how he can help whoever he meets. He relayed the story, that one of the ppl he met is the program director for the Booster program, which helps provide food and snacks to underprivileged kids. And, how that they were expanding out beyond breakfast and lunch, because the kids were going hungry for dinner. But, that they were seeing a huge drop off after kids went to the 4th grade; because at that age is when they started to get teased by the other kids about getting free meals. And, that the kids would rather go hungry than receive the food. My eyes well up, and my heart hurts again just typing this out. The core of me aches for those kids. I was bullied throughout elementary through junior high; and it pisses me off how mean kids can be. I don't want any kid to ever be bullied. Especially over something so essential for living. So, the speaker told of how the request the lady made of him was b/c he's a runner, if he could donate any of the drawstring race bags that he had, or knew of a company that would be willing to do so. They needed 50 of them to put the meals in. That way they'd be cool, discrete, and the bullies would be none the wiser. He immediately went to Facebook and posted a request; and lo and behold, 500 drawstring bags poured in via donation. What a fabulous impact!!! So, I've made it my mission now that whenever I meet someone, or close a conversation with people I do know to ask how I can help them. Pay it forward.

My heart broke a second time yesterday, when one of my clients told me that he was recently diagnosed with cancer. I held it together when he told me; but when I came home, I broke down. I'm heartbroken; but mostly I'm angry. Angry that he has to go through this. This man isn't just a client. He's my friend. And, this is my first experience with someone that I know and am personally close with, who is vivacious and has a lot of life yet to be lived being diagnosed. He's healthy, active; and I KNOW that he's going to kick this. Like he said, it's not a death sentence. He just has to get it eradicated. I think the best way that I can help him is to continue to bring positivity, healthy activity, and interact with and see him as absolutely thriving. I am an uplifter. Of course, I'll be asking him how I can help. But, I know that one of the best things is to help him see his strengths.

Textual Healing

Up until last month, I'd taken a reprieve from leisurely reading. I just wasn't up for it. It's normally something I love to do. Curl up with a good book, drink tea, and just lose myself in the story line. The last several months, I've spent quite a bit of time reading; but they've all been self-empowerment books.

Reading for fun was tied to so many memories  that it hurt too much to even want to dive into. And, n the depths of my grief, I clung onto trying to reconnect with me. And, the books I found, were helpful, in that each of them was a 30 day, or 6 week, or some other program that had an essence of time wrapped around it. To me, it felt like being in school. They simultaneously gave me an anchor of something to focus on, as well as hope, that in the time period that they specified, that I'd start feeling better.

While each of them holds nuggets for healing. I'm learning that sometimes growth and healing don't take place as fast as we'd like it to. Just because you make it through a book or a course, doesn't mean that poof! Magically, you're peachy keen, a guru, filled with unconditional love, constant happiness, and all of the answers to the world. And, that's OK. That's part of the process. And, part of my growth is to not judge nor compare myself as to where I'm at on my journey. And, I'm happy to say that I've gotten so much better at self-compassion.

Last month, I got tired of not having any mind candy that I could just relax into at the end of the day. One of my friends had made a post asking all of her friends to list their top 10 books of the year. Because it'd had so many recommendations, I picked up "Girl on the Train." It was suspenseful, had a good story line, a lot of plot twists and turns, and I couldn't put it down.

Then, one that I'd been seeing previews for "The Longest Ride." I have an affinity for rodeo, so naturally, that appealed to me. It was my first Nicolas Sparks book; and my last. That he has had so much success as a writer gives me hope! After skimming through that, I finally got to my Kindle list, and for a long time, I'd had in it, "All the Light We Cannot See." I finally downloaded that. And, oh my gosh! Historical fiction is my absolute favorite type of read! I absolutely adored the characters and the way it was beautifully written.

And, a week ago, I started re-reading the Harry Potter series. I've not read them since college, I guess, that's when they came out....but, over this weekend, I finished two; and am well into the third. I adore the imagination, creativity, and the wizarding world that JK Rowling created! As I'm going through my workday, I can hardly wait to get back to reading!

I've not abandoned my self-improvement reading. In a previous post, I mentioned how I'd heard a phenomenal interview by Nancy Levin on her Jump! And Your Life Will Appear process. Well, after her interview, I had the opportunity to sit in on a sample group coaching session; and it was awesome! I got to be one of the guinea pigs; and the way Nancy handled everyone on the call was so skillful, respectful; and authentic. I felt validated; and like I could really benefit.

So, I signed up for her program! I'll be starting this evening; and the course runs through the end of September. I'm nervous, yet excited about what it'll hold; and how exactly I'll jump or grow. But, I'm looking forward to it as well.

In case you're interested in some of the books/courses now in my healing library, this is what I've read over the last 9 months:

• Daily Love - Mastin Kipp
• The Alchemist -  Paulo Coelho (though, this was mostly a pleasure read; it was very helpful)
• Forgiveness: 21 Days to Forgive Everyone for Everything - Iyanla Vanzant
• Spirit Junkie - Gabrielle Bernstein
• Discover Your Soul Signature - Panache Desai
• Spiritual Kinesiology Magic in Minutes - Phillip Mountrose and Jane Mountrose 
• Life Loves You - Louise Hay and Robert Holden 

Strahov Monastery Library Prague Czech Republic - How I would LOVE to spend days here reading! 

Inside Out

I just watched the movie, "Inside Out." I'm a sucker for Pixar animated flicks. And, the moment I saw it was about emotions, I KNEW I had to see it.

The synopsis of the movie, essentially is a look into a little girl (Riley's) mind; and how her emotions  (Joy, Anger, Disgust, and Fear) function inside of her brain. I LOVED every second of it! The concept and the animation were awesome; and the voices behind the characters were perfect!

Amy Poehler brought her Leslie Knopes a la "Parks & Recreation" to the character. Where of course, Joy radiated and was happy, go-lucky we can do anything, go get 'em girl attitude! And, Phyllis Smith, aka Phyllis, from "The Office" was just the right melancholy, Eeyore of Sadness. They (along with the rest of the cast) were spot on!

Throughout the movie, I could totally find myself relating to the emotions. But, I could most readily find myself resonating with Joy. I don't like dealing in other emotions. I avoid any confrontational stance like the plague. I want everyone to focus on the happy, the good, the possibility, the joy, the positive, the potential. And, don't like being sidetracked by the other, less optimistic, heavier, sadder, uncomfortable feelings. As I mentioned in my last post "Baby Solstice", it's OK to "feel all the feels." I readily admit, having recently gone through the boot camp of emotions, and that more often than not, I've spent the last few months feeling weighed down by heavier emotions and like a less shiny version of myself. And, learning to express, rather than suppress the other emotions is OK. In fact, it's healthy. Not that we get stuck in the lower vibrating emotions...but, it's OK to feel them, acknowledge them and pass right on through to move to the other side.

The moment when Joy recognizes that Sadness needs to be acknowledged as an important emotion. That Sadness needs to be heard and validated to help bring about happiness, I nearly lost it. You know how sometimes in life you think you've learned a lesson too late? That's exactly how I felt.  That in my rush and high hopes to push positivity and Joy and be an uplifter; and race through (or ignore the muck) that I've disregarded Sadness (both other people's and my own). And, that's disappointing to me. Because I love to be an uplifter! But....sometimes we get completely overwhelmed and aren't our best selves. And, I'm slowly learning to make peace with that.

I also learned from the movie, that sometimes it's OK, and even necessary for you to run on the other emotions, Fear, Anger, Disgust (without Joy) for a little while. And, that's OK, because Joy will always come back. Always. After all, she was the first emotion that Riley was born with. And, that's what all of the spiritual teachers say, is that our purest core, we are Joy & Light & Love....the other emotions are secondary.

As I think about the emotions each playing a driving role, I'm now thinking of how mine act within me...and how I deal with them. I'm always, always grateful for working mine out through physical activity. I've always used physical activity and working out as a way to release emotions....but, lately, I've noticed that I'm tuning into myself more. There will be days where I don't want to go workout; but that's what I need that day...and after the first 10 minutes, I'm breathing deeply and so appreciative to myself for taking that time. I work through endless emotions and thought loops like that. And, it seems the harder I push myself, the more the emotional back log of pent up shit flows out. I process it, and it's less heavy. That feels amazing! 

And, on the other hand, I am gentle with myself too. Sometimes when I tune into myself, when I ask myself what I need; and my honest answer to myself is that I just need to veg. To read, to be a total slug and do nothing, or to just meditate, or go out for nature walks and just soothe. And, I've allowed myself to do that.

One big lesson I've taken away is that I need to check in and ask myself what I need, and make that a priority. In listening and acknowledging what I'm feeling and giving voice to what I'm needing, I'm honoring myself. I'm not pushing things down and avoiding inner conflict. And, I hope, and have noticed that I'm doing it on an interpersonal level more as well.

I definitely recommend seeing the movie. It's fun, lighthearted, and has an important message. It was absolutely awesome to watch, to reflect, and to be inspired. I love the imagination, the authenticity, and the reminder to feel all the feels, while always knowing that somewhere, Joy is inside and rearing to lead the way!

Grandma's Presence

Last week, as I was prepping the guest bedroom for out of town guests, I was absolutely magnetized by the veladora with the picture of my Grandma Connie on it.

She passed in 2013; and that candle has been in there since then....but, I've never felt so drawn to it as I did  that afternoon. It was like she popped out of the candle. I picked up the candle, held it, and broke down bawling. It's a great picture of her. Her teal top radiating with color, a gleam in her eyes, and I know, a deep glowing in her heart.

The only other time something like this has happened, was this fall, when working out at a client's house, I swear that a figure of Buddha that he has  on a shelf, that the Buddha's face became animated and told me something that my heart desired. It was like the little wooden figure had come to life.

Last week, it was essentially the same thing with my Grandma and her picture on the candle. Over the course of the last several days, there have been moments when I have felt her presence. I can almost feel her hugging me and in my mind I hear her say, "Mi jita, I love you." Grandma had the best hugs where she'd wrap her arms around you, squeeze you and rock back and forth, holding on and really making the hug last.

My Grandma Connie was like a second mom to Amy and I. From the time we were born, til about 15-16 years old, we spent nearly every weekday and many weekends with her and my Grandpa Ernie. She was the most unconditionally loving person that I know. And, though she was small; and  perfectly happy to be in the background of things going on; her love was quietly and gently fierce.

She was an amazing cook, a talented seamstress. She was a cocktail waitress, maid, shop owner, farrier's assistant. Her life wasn't easy; but she wasn't one to complain. She LOVED brightly colored lipsticks (that trait has literally and figuratively rubbed off on me)...and also her love for sparkly, shiny things too! She was tender, kind, compassionate.

I hadn't felt my Grandma's spirit since right before her passing. This is a picture of the sky on my flight home between Chicago and Albuquerque, returning home to be by her side. As the sun set across the horizon, and turned from orange to navy blue, I could feel her presence powerfully. I knew she was with me. I was the last to arrive home, and I knew she was waiting. Patiently. Quietly.

I arrived home to Taos about 2 AM; and a few hours later, once visitors were allowed, went with my family to the hospital. My mom pulled my sister and I into a room and told us that the doctors needed to have a decision. I felt my Grandma's words in my mind and heart saying that she was ready to go. And, I relayed that to my mom. I cried and ached deep in my heart because, selfishly, I didn't want my Grandma's time to be up. But, in my heart of hearts and soul of souls, I knew beyond knowing it was what she wanted and that she was ready; and with that knowing came peace.

I can't explain the spiritual bond that I have with my grandparents. It hasn't been frequent; but it is real. I've only felt my grandpa's spirit a handful of times after his passing (an experience, which impacted me physically...where I fainted, feeling an immensely powerful, yet gentle force of light smack me in the middle of the forehead as he passed).  And, being able to feel and hear my Grandma's presence while on the flight and in the hospital room; and now, feeling and "hearing"  her.

I told Gary about the feelings I was experiencing in noticing my Grandma's presence. And, he said that earlier in the week that he too had been drawn to the candle, and rotated it a bit because he felt like the picture was facing too far inwards. And, that he had just felt memories of her popping into his mind.

I am comforted by the thought that her presence is present. Without a doubt, she was the most calming and comforting figure in my childhood. Someone who I depended on, and knew would be there for me no matter what I needed. And, whose unconditional love radiated constantly. I welcome her spirit into my life. To help guide me and be by my side. And, to bring with her, all of those feelings and characteristics that she embodied.

Solstice Baby

On Sunday, I went to the Summer Solstice Healing Pyramid Event. One of the women brought her baby girl, who couldn't have been more than a year and a half old. She was cute, bright eyed, and very curious.

In my life, I've probably spent a total of five days around a baby that age. Honestly, they scare me. They can't talk, so you don't know what they're feeling or thinking. They're fragile, yet amazingly resilient. And, they squirm a lot. Maybe it's not so much that they scare me; but rather that I'm uncomfortable around them. But, I'm noticing that I'm not as uncomfortable around them as I once was.

My biological clock is definitely NOT ticking. I think this openness is occurring as I read more and more about spirituality. I've learned that babies are the most pure beings there are. They come into the world knowing that all is well. They expect that everything they need will be brought to them. They don't worry. They don't judge. If something feels good, they enjoy it. If something feels bad, they cry until it's made better.

I tried not to stare while observing the mom and her baby. I thought it was absolutely awesome that the mom was bringing her baby to this event. Because how cool is that?! The mom was fantastic in how she constantly moved the baby, changing her to different positions to help her be more comfortable, just going with the flow as the baby squirmed and wriggled, and grabbed at her shirt, hair, necklace, earrings, pacifier. The mom continually was rubbing the baby's back or her paradoxically, chubby yet long legs to keep her soothed.

When the mom and baby went into the pyramid as the first go 'round, the baby almost instantly started crying. The mom bounced her around a little on her legs and made it through the five minute round of meditation with the glass bowls, and flute music. Which, the baby really seemed to enjoy.
Then, they moved to the chairs with the magnets and vajras, and the baby started to get antsy and cried out several times before the mom got up and left the event.

Usually, I'm one to be annoyed by babies crying and screeching. And, while I couldn't meditate because of the distraction, I found myself calling my mind to go into a state of inquiry and wonder instead of annoyance and irritation.

Was the baby more sensitive to the energies in the pyramid and chair? How did the energy affect the baby? Was she just tired? These were the questions going through my mind. And, since they didn't stay, we couldn't find out the answers from the mom to see what her perception was.

But, what I do know is that the whole event helped illuminate (illumination was the theme of this pyramid session) for me that it's OK to let our baby selves out sometimes. It's OK to know that we are taken care of. Just as it's OK to cry and fuss and fidget if we're not feeling that all is well.  It's OK to "feel all the feels."

I mean, really, when was the last time that you just had a good cry because you were tired, or hungry, or because your clothes were bothering you?

When was the last time that you reached out to someone automatically for a hug, or asked for something because you wanted/needed it, and didn't fear rejection?

A couple of weeks ago, I tuned into and have been asking myself to tap into a 4 year old self - asking questions, being curious. And, now, I'm broadening that, to venture into see what it's like to tune into an infant-self. I'm going to start allowing myself to ask for and expect that everything I need will be provided by the Universe. And, to get more comfortable with knowing....like really knowing, that it's ok to ask and it's ok to receive. And, it's ok to feel.