Today's the first day in probably two months where I don't feel like I'm running behind, or scrambling to meet deadlines. There's plenty of work to do, I just don't feel the pressure of it. I'm burnt out. I'm grateful for my consulting work, because right now so many entrepreneurs are struggling b/c of COVID. I realize I am lucky; but I know it's OK to feel two things at once. Grateful for the work/income, yet wishing for a break.
We were supposed to be on vacation next week. And, that's OK that it's not happening. But, I was really looking forward to it as being a break from work. A time to turn everything off and proverbial say "toodaloo m'fers"! Yet, mentally, it feels like the finish line has been pushed back to where I can't see it, and yet I know I have to still keep going. Fearing that if I slow down, getting the momentum to start back up again will seem twice as hard.
The last month has felt like a sprint. At first I was glad to not have to travel to a conference in Chicago in March. Who plans a conference in Chicago in March?! Cardiology conferences are always a big push for us....Thurs-Mon travel. Non-stop meetings over the weekend after weeks of prep with sponsors, potential sponsors and aligned organizations. So, I breathed a sigh of relief when we got the cancellation notice...b/c April was going to be another busy month with two back-to-back 2-3 day trips to DC. And, even though that travel didn't happen, it pretty much felt like it did.
I just wrapped a significant meeting that I've been coordinating since January. And, I thought I'd feel a huge sense of relief that it was over. Yet, it feels like it opened the flood gates for more work. Of which I am grateful, but there's a lot of pressure. Pressure to write more proposals, which I detest. Pressure to meet expectations of my boss and our chair. And, my own.
In working with cardiologists, researchers, a CEO of a health plan, I find myself feeling like I always have something to prove. And, even though I've proven myself over and over again, it feels like it's ephemeral. One important lesson I've learned from our chair is that it's OK to not have all the answers and to say so. And, to just be open about what you don't know and to just be you. So, I'm practicing that. It's not that he told me that directly. This is what I've gathered from watching and working with him. And, if he can get to the top like that, then that bodes well for us all, I think.
It's OK to not have the answers. It's OK to check out. And, for today, I'm going to soak that knowing up!
Thursday, April 23, 2020
Tuesday, November 5, 2019
What I'll Remember in 9 Years
Fall. There's something about this time of year that makes me pause and reflect. I was in DC last week, and as always, filled with memories upon seeing touch stones, like exiting from the gate and going to the main terminal at DCA. The big planters are no longer there, but I can vividly see you in your teal golf shirt and beige shorts. Passing along near Lady Bird Johnson park and recalling our 6-7 mile run. Gazing over towards Rosslyn and remembering Key Bridge and the park where we watched the stars (and you nabbed my pedometer) LOL. Exiting the taxi and noticing that I'm staying just a few blocks away from the Rouge. Going for a run through Chinatown and laughing at GalleryP1. Or, running at Independence Ave. and forever having musical Tourette's as Jimmy Eat World's "Kill" plays in the background.
Nearly every moment has a memory. Always has. But, I don't write about it, I guess because of pride. Because when I get back to my room, or to life, that I'm too tired, or apathetic to type it out. Yet, it's a story, and I sometimes wonder what I will and won't remember. And, I know memory works in funny ways. I was saddened to recently learn that ~50% of our memories are incorrectly remembered. So, I promised myself to jot them down, faulty or not, whatever comes back to me.
As I was sitting in the window seat people watching while eating breakfast along 14th Street, I was remembering our conversation while walking in Chicago talking about what we'd remember in 10 years' time. Mindlessly eating, and scrolling Facebook, Time Hop popped up and noted that on that day, 9 years ago that I was enjoying the ABWA Conference in Chattanooga. And, it made me smile.
Walking miles in flip flops, catching up, being in general disbelief that we were actually face-to-face.
The hotel lobby, you reading the newspaper, talking football while listening to live music.
After a few moments of reminiscing, I went along with my day, long meetings, and intended to perhaps jot down my thoughts in flight. But, I didn't. That was nearly a week ago. And, of course, I'd lost momentum. But, just now an ad popped up for the Marriott Chatt, and I knew it was a Universal wink, or it could be the Russians, but, I'm choosing to believe it's the former...a nudge to just sit for a few minutes and knock out snippets.
Nearly every moment has a memory. Always has. But, I don't write about it, I guess because of pride. Because when I get back to my room, or to life, that I'm too tired, or apathetic to type it out. Yet, it's a story, and I sometimes wonder what I will and won't remember. And, I know memory works in funny ways. I was saddened to recently learn that ~50% of our memories are incorrectly remembered. So, I promised myself to jot them down, faulty or not, whatever comes back to me.
As I was sitting in the window seat people watching while eating breakfast along 14th Street, I was remembering our conversation while walking in Chicago talking about what we'd remember in 10 years' time. Mindlessly eating, and scrolling Facebook, Time Hop popped up and noted that on that day, 9 years ago that I was enjoying the ABWA Conference in Chattanooga. And, it made me smile.
Walking miles in flip flops, catching up, being in general disbelief that we were actually face-to-face.
The hotel lobby, you reading the newspaper, talking football while listening to live music.
After a few moments of reminiscing, I went along with my day, long meetings, and intended to perhaps jot down my thoughts in flight. But, I didn't. That was nearly a week ago. And, of course, I'd lost momentum. But, just now an ad popped up for the Marriott Chatt, and I knew it was a Universal wink, or it could be the Russians, but, I'm choosing to believe it's the former...a nudge to just sit for a few minutes and knock out snippets.
Monday, September 3, 2018
Letters from Grandma
Last month, I was in Taos to do the Up & Over 10K run at the Ski Valley. My parents said they wanted to clean out the garage and that there were a few boxes from my college days that I needed to go through and decide what to do with.
In an old shoe box, sealed in brown tape, I found handwritten letters and greeting cards. Among them, were letters from my Grandma and Grandpa, written in my Grandma's cursive. I love how she always wrote on the behalf of both of them. The letters that I found were from 1999 and 2000. Five-Six years before my Grandpa's sickness and death.
My heart hurts reading in her letters the detailing of their lives. They lived for letters from Amy and I; and for the opportunity to babysit little Johnny, my cousin's baby.
I feel like such a shit for not spending more time with them during my visits home from college. I was more concerned with staying in touch with my friends from college that I wasn't seeing 24/7. I was more interested in who knows what. I did make time to visit with them; but certainly not as much as they wanted, and deserved.
The two people that showed me the most sincere form of unconditional love, I took for granted. I still feel my Grandma's presence, and I know she's with me in spirit. I felt my Grandpa for a while shortly after he died. But, I've not felt him since.
Over the past few weeks, I've felt a strong desire to deepen my connection to my intuition and to my guides. I want to connect with my grandparents to let them know how much I love and appreciate them. Perhaps they already know. Btu, they never held back in showing and expressing their love for me, and I want to return that to them. I want to do that in my everyday life.
Thank you, Grandma for your continued communication. I love you.
Your precious, hita.
In an old shoe box, sealed in brown tape, I found handwritten letters and greeting cards. Among them, were letters from my Grandma and Grandpa, written in my Grandma's cursive. I love how she always wrote on the behalf of both of them. The letters that I found were from 1999 and 2000. Five-Six years before my Grandpa's sickness and death.
My heart hurts reading in her letters the detailing of their lives. They lived for letters from Amy and I; and for the opportunity to babysit little Johnny, my cousin's baby.
I feel like such a shit for not spending more time with them during my visits home from college. I was more concerned with staying in touch with my friends from college that I wasn't seeing 24/7. I was more interested in who knows what. I did make time to visit with them; but certainly not as much as they wanted, and deserved.
The two people that showed me the most sincere form of unconditional love, I took for granted. I still feel my Grandma's presence, and I know she's with me in spirit. I felt my Grandpa for a while shortly after he died. But, I've not felt him since.
Over the past few weeks, I've felt a strong desire to deepen my connection to my intuition and to my guides. I want to connect with my grandparents to let them know how much I love and appreciate them. Perhaps they already know. Btu, they never held back in showing and expressing their love for me, and I want to return that to them. I want to do that in my everyday life.
Thank you, Grandma for your continued communication. I love you.
Your precious, hita.
Friday, August 31, 2018
Into Being
Driving along Paseo del Pueblo Sur, I turn right onto La Posta Rd, headed to Albertson's. I look at the office buildings that once used to be Holy Cross Hospital, the place where I was born. I ask my inner spirit, if it can feel the place that I came into this world, seeing if I'd come up with a sense of where on the property I was delivered. I got a sense of a spark, a flash of light through my chest as I neared the south building.
Today, while my Mom was driving and we passed the buildings, I asked her where I was born. And, she said "Here, in this building. This was where the delivery room was." And, yep....that was where I felt the spark sensation yesterday. She confirmed what my Inner Being told me.
I felt a sense of groundedness of belonging of placement to know where I came into being in this lifetime.
I didn't ask my Being about the sense of abandonment because I felt such a powerful positive vibe that I didn't want to sour it. But, I have a feeling that I could tap into the deep seatedness of my separation anxiety and sense of being abandoned, having been born several weeks early and taken into the ward with other babies in incubators, away from my parents. But, this visit to Taos to visit my parents provided me with such a sense of love and care for them. I know that they did the best they could, and that LOVE is the overwhelming feeling and sensation of which I'm left with, resonating, and radiating.
In the picture below, I was born to the left of the tree.
Today, while my Mom was driving and we passed the buildings, I asked her where I was born. And, she said "Here, in this building. This was where the delivery room was." And, yep....that was where I felt the spark sensation yesterday. She confirmed what my Inner Being told me.
I felt a sense of groundedness of belonging of placement to know where I came into being in this lifetime.
I didn't ask my Being about the sense of abandonment because I felt such a powerful positive vibe that I didn't want to sour it. But, I have a feeling that I could tap into the deep seatedness of my separation anxiety and sense of being abandoned, having been born several weeks early and taken into the ward with other babies in incubators, away from my parents. But, this visit to Taos to visit my parents provided me with such a sense of love and care for them. I know that they did the best they could, and that LOVE is the overwhelming feeling and sensation of which I'm left with, resonating, and radiating.
In the picture below, I was born to the left of the tree.
Saturday, June 16, 2018
Lifehouse Lighthouse
Last night, as I was walking up the stairs to bed, all of a sudden out of the blue, in my mind, the lyrics "I'm feeling alive all over again" and music filled my mind. I caught onto the tail of the thread, knowing that I knew the song, but juussssst couldn't place it. I grabbed my phone and googled "feeling alive all over again song" and Lifehouse's "First Time" appeared. And, I was like "OF COURSE!!!" And, giddily played it, magically knowing it line by line, although I hadn't listened to it in years! It filled me up with sparkling joy, transported me back to 2007'ish.
So, this morning, wanting to figure out the exact play list this song was on so I could recycle some tunes for running, I went through my Gmail archives. And, like Alice, I tumbled down quite the rabbit hole bridging seven/eight years of emails. Forgetting that I'd filed the more painful stuff away in "archives"....why I haven't deleted them, I don't know. Well, wait...that's not the truth. I do know. They represent an entire saga. The good. The bad. The exhilarating. The heartbreaking. The story.
Thank you random musical moments for transporting me back. Thank you Lifehouse for being like a light house with its beacon, a siren song. Even with re-reading some of the rough waters, upon landing and reflecting, I come to this:
I am grateful for taking a chance and letting you inside.
So, this morning, wanting to figure out the exact play list this song was on so I could recycle some tunes for running, I went through my Gmail archives. And, like Alice, I tumbled down quite the rabbit hole bridging seven/eight years of emails. Forgetting that I'd filed the more painful stuff away in "archives"....why I haven't deleted them, I don't know. Well, wait...that's not the truth. I do know. They represent an entire saga. The good. The bad. The exhilarating. The heartbreaking. The story.
Thank you random musical moments for transporting me back. Thank you Lifehouse for being like a light house with its beacon, a siren song. Even with re-reading some of the rough waters, upon landing and reflecting, I come to this:
I am grateful for taking a chance and letting you inside.
We're both looking for something
We've been afraid to find
It's easier to be broken
It's easier to hide
We've been afraid to find
It's easier to be broken
It's easier to hide
Looking at you, holding my breath
For once in my life, I'm scared to death
I'm taking a chance, letting you inside
For once in my life, I'm scared to death
I'm taking a chance, letting you inside
I'm feeling alive all over again
As deep as the sky under my skin
Like being in love, she said, for the first time
Maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right
Wherever I belong with you tonight
Like being in love to feel for the first time
As deep as the sky under my skin
Like being in love, she said, for the first time
Maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right
Wherever I belong with you tonight
Like being in love to feel for the first time
The world that I see inside you
Waiting to come to life
Waking me up to dreaming
Reality in your eyes
Waiting to come to life
Waking me up to dreaming
Reality in your eyes
Looking at you, holding my breath
For once in my life, I'm scared to death
I'm taking a chance, letting you inside
For once in my life, I'm scared to death
I'm taking a chance, letting you inside
I'm feeling alive all over again
As deep as the sky under my skin
Like being in love, she said, for the first time
Maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right
Wherever I belong with you tonight
Like being in love to feel for the first time
As deep as the sky under my skin
Like being in love, she said, for the first time
Maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right
Wherever I belong with you tonight
Like being in love to feel for the first time
Thursday, June 14, 2018
Museless
I used to ADORE Pinterest. I could spend hours upon hours finding images that made me salivate, belly laugh, and dream! And, then, I lost interest, feared to be seduced by dreams that were ephemeral. Let down by possibilities that I felt no longer had potential. Instead of being a mind candy oasis, perusing Pinterest became a dark forest, best left avoided.
Today was the first time in a very long time that I went back on it. I revisited my boards and was reminded of so many things that make my heart, mind and soul shine! I feel like there's a path that's come out of hiding (mind you, I'm aware it's been in plain sight all along); and I'm ready to see it again.
I'm ready to open my palms to receive musings, creativity, light-heartedness! I'm ready to be tantalized by far off places! To have my mind tickled by puns, and to experience the beauty of words and fabulous images!
All work and no play, a dull Jen make. Yesterday, I turned a corner in one of my consulting roles. I'd been feeling overworked, blah, and micromanaged on multiple levels. And, something just clicked that a voice in the back of my mind said, "I no longer give a fuck! I am not defined by this role. I am doing the best that I can; and I feel damn good about what I have accomplished. And, if people aren't happy with it, or are wanting to push my boundaries, then, that's on them. Not me."
It felt like a dam became dislodged, and from that moment on for the next several hours, I had positivity running through my veins. A sense of empowerment. A sense of knowing my belonging. And, a sense of electrified peace.
I felt called to tap into my muses, to revisit them and get in touch with creative expression. To do what I'm called to do that sounds like fun!
Today was the first time in a very long time that I went back on it. I revisited my boards and was reminded of so many things that make my heart, mind and soul shine! I feel like there's a path that's come out of hiding (mind you, I'm aware it's been in plain sight all along); and I'm ready to see it again.
I'm ready to open my palms to receive musings, creativity, light-heartedness! I'm ready to be tantalized by far off places! To have my mind tickled by puns, and to experience the beauty of words and fabulous images!
All work and no play, a dull Jen make. Yesterday, I turned a corner in one of my consulting roles. I'd been feeling overworked, blah, and micromanaged on multiple levels. And, something just clicked that a voice in the back of my mind said, "I no longer give a fuck! I am not defined by this role. I am doing the best that I can; and I feel damn good about what I have accomplished. And, if people aren't happy with it, or are wanting to push my boundaries, then, that's on them. Not me."
It felt like a dam became dislodged, and from that moment on for the next several hours, I had positivity running through my veins. A sense of empowerment. A sense of knowing my belonging. And, a sense of electrified peace.
I felt called to tap into my muses, to revisit them and get in touch with creative expression. To do what I'm called to do that sounds like fun!
Saturday, December 23, 2017
Ask and the Universe Delivers - A Farewell to 37
On my last day of being 37, I decided to go out for a 4 mile run. I went without Jameson so that I could run unencumbered, fast, just me and my thoughts. It was a gorgeous, bright blue sky morning; cool at 31 degrees. The first two miles, I could feel my lungs burning with the brisk air, the cold seeping through my gloves. I stopped to readjust my shoelaces and shirt and as I took off for the second half of my run, I felt amazing! I could feel the bounce in each step, and gave silent appreciation for my new Mizunos that I just love. I gave thanks for my body feeling happy and healthy; and for the moment in time for me to enjoy basking in the present. As I ran west along the trail paralleling the 202 and the alfalfa field, I looked up to the tops of the light posts wondering if I would see one of the hawks. It'd been a while since I'd seen one, and I pondered how cool and fitting it would be to see one as a culmination present of this year. I let the thought go and smiled as I passed the tree where the roadrunner lives and reminisced about how he had run alongside of me and Jameson a few days earlier. How cool is that?! To be running buddies with a road runner!
As I turned the corner on Recker and Warner to make my way back home, The Killers' "Mr. Brightside" came on and made me grin from ear to ear. Every time I hear that song, it fills my soul with energy and vivacity! I can't help but sing along, and it was exactly what I needed to finish strong.
From the route I was taking, I usually run up the last quarter mile on the east side of Benjamin St. but something in me made me want to hop over to the west side. With a quick look behind me, I zipped out into the street, kicking up my pace to avoid breaking my stride to wait for the oncoming car; and continued sprinting up the street until I caught a white figure out of the bottom corner of my right eye. And, what should it be.... A RED TAILED HAWK!!!! It was on the ground feeding on a pigeon, and I was literally less than 2 feet away from it and it did not care! I yanked my earbuds out and tried to catch my breath as it was being simultaneously taken away in disbelief at being so close to this magnificent creature!!! I was beside myself and then started crying tears of joy - of utter disbelief yet belief that the Universe brought me something even BETTER than I had asked for!!!
WOW, Universe! Way to pull out ALL the stops! I sat on the sidewalk to be closer to eye level with it; and was immune to the cold - I felt nothing but warmth and giddiness - pure glee at my fortune! The hawk, after finishing up the pigeon, flew into the nearby tree and started preening its claws, picking out any leftovers, and then rubbing its bill along the tree branches. It looked down at me every so often, and I was still blown out of my mind - observing it and giving thanks for being able to bear witness to such an extraordinary event. I continued to watch the hawk and it flew into a palm tree and then into the roof gutter of a house. It poked its head around, I'm sure searching for pigeon eggs.
I continued to feel completely overcome by emotions - waves of energy of gratitude and feelings of "See, I told you. Believe."
It was truly THE BEST way for the year to end. An amazingly exquisite teacher, a sign and an omen of the year to come.
Thank you, Universe <3
As I turned the corner on Recker and Warner to make my way back home, The Killers' "Mr. Brightside" came on and made me grin from ear to ear. Every time I hear that song, it fills my soul with energy and vivacity! I can't help but sing along, and it was exactly what I needed to finish strong.
From the route I was taking, I usually run up the last quarter mile on the east side of Benjamin St. but something in me made me want to hop over to the west side. With a quick look behind me, I zipped out into the street, kicking up my pace to avoid breaking my stride to wait for the oncoming car; and continued sprinting up the street until I caught a white figure out of the bottom corner of my right eye. And, what should it be.... A RED TAILED HAWK!!!! It was on the ground feeding on a pigeon, and I was literally less than 2 feet away from it and it did not care! I yanked my earbuds out and tried to catch my breath as it was being simultaneously taken away in disbelief at being so close to this magnificent creature!!! I was beside myself and then started crying tears of joy - of utter disbelief yet belief that the Universe brought me something even BETTER than I had asked for!!!
WOW, Universe! Way to pull out ALL the stops! I sat on the sidewalk to be closer to eye level with it; and was immune to the cold - I felt nothing but warmth and giddiness - pure glee at my fortune! The hawk, after finishing up the pigeon, flew into the nearby tree and started preening its claws, picking out any leftovers, and then rubbing its bill along the tree branches. It looked down at me every so often, and I was still blown out of my mind - observing it and giving thanks for being able to bear witness to such an extraordinary event. I continued to watch the hawk and it flew into a palm tree and then into the roof gutter of a house. It poked its head around, I'm sure searching for pigeon eggs.
I continued to feel completely overcome by emotions - waves of energy of gratitude and feelings of "See, I told you. Believe."
It was truly THE BEST way for the year to end. An amazingly exquisite teacher, a sign and an omen of the year to come.
Thank you, Universe <3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)